Why I Could Never Be a Beauty Pageant … Person

You have probably been wondering why I am not a contestant in numerous beauty pageants. I base this statement on the likelihood that you have seen me in a bikini, or streaking in a public place.

You haven’t?

Seriously?

Where have you BEEN?

Anyways, I am of course (mostly) joking. The fact is that no human women actually conform to the bodily standards associated with beauty pageant individuals. Still, there is some merit to the idea of actual human women taking a shot at ‘The Big Time’ to prove to all the little girls at home that you don’t have to shave your armpits to be beautiful!

Or have big boobs!

Or long legs!

Or be taller than the average 10 year old!

Etc!

Yes, it is an inspiring message for the youth of today: beauty is still all important, you silly fool, but there are different TYPES of beautiful!

However, I will not be that person, and here is why. There is simply no way that I could handle the question section. Strutting around in an evening dress? OK if I’m allowed to wear flat shoes or go barefoot. Bikini? We have previously established that I am comfortable in said garb. Talents?

Forget about it.

But the part where they ask a question about current events… sheesh. I would get into all kinds of trouble and end up on Maury.

Example:
Miss Utah was asked what it says about our society that 40% of families have women as primary breadwinners, but women still make less than men. Here is her exact response:

“I think we can relate this back to education, and how we are … continuing to try to strive to [epic pause] figure out how to create jobs right now. That is the biggest problem. And I think, especially the men are … um … seen as the leaders of this, and so we need to try to figure out how to create educate better so we can solve this problem. Thank you.”

First of all, you’re welcome. Second of all, here is what my response would probably look like, especially if I had to come up with it on the spot:

“It shows that our society is intent on further impoverishing the lower class and eliminating the middle class through a concerted effort to disenfranchise women, Bob.”

(Assuming the guys name was Bob.)
(Actually, even if his name WASN’T Bob.)

Or, an even MORE likely response, because that question would make me see red with rage:

“It says that our society is a backwards sexist classist ass-hat, Bob, you patriarchal son of a bitch, and stop staring at my tiny bosom.”

Needless to say, that isn’t exactly “Miss Universe” talk.