Let’s Talk About Rape

We here at My Blog have been talking about rape a lot recently. Here is why.

Boys and men need to hear about rape. A lot. The only way to prevent rape is for them to not do it. In order for that to happen, among other things, Rape Culture must be pointed out to them.

Rape Culture is the thing that allows rape to happen. A lot. It exists in part because people do not talk about rape very much. Talking about rape in a frank way, a scared way, a sarcastic way… any REAL way, is therefore a political action. It is the self-defence class that society thinks I should take. It’s the nun-garb I ought to have been wearing when I was attacked, for it not to have been my fault.

Frankly, rape baffles me. I mean, who wakes up in the morning and says “Gee I think I will find someone who is defenceless or in a moment of physical / emotional weakness and punch them in the face for a half an hour.” ??? (Hopefully) no one. But dudes rape. All the fracking time. Most women you know have been sexually assaulted, if not raped.

Seriously.

Statistically, most men who rape don’t think of it as rape. Statistically, most men who rape are serial rapists. Statistically, most men who rape are friends with, or acquaintances of, the girl they rape. Seriously.

Talking about our own rapes, our own experiences, is another way to empower and protect ourselves and other women. The more we talk about consensual vs. non-consensual, and the commonness of attack, and the humanity of it, the more likely it is that someone will actually hear us. Someone who needs to. A boy or a man who doesn’t really get it; or who could stop a friend from hurting a woman.

So here goes. My own story. That I have told a total of 3 people in my entire life, and not because I didn’t want to. Because, in part, I genuinely didn’t remember. I’ll get to that.

I was at a party. Drinking. Not drunk. Just slow.

There were a bunch of guys I worked with at this party. One of them had taken me on a couple dates. We had never done more than kiss. Hadn’t hung out in weeks – I was no longer interested. I thought I had made that clear.

He said something like “I want to talk to you” and the next thing I knew I was being pushed into a dark room. And onto a bed. And he was on top of me. I didn’t really know what was happening, due to alcohol. Before I could react at all, he had pulled my pants off and started going down on me. Before I could react to THAT, so I’m guessing about 10 seconds later, about 6 other guys from my work burst into the room and turned the lights on. The guy on top of me did nothing to hide my nakedness, and the others laughed.

I was humiliated and ran. Cried all night. Figured it was my fault for not saying No really clearly. And then just forgot about it. If anyone ever brought up sexual assault I would talk about a few months earlier, when a different, highly drunk young man took me to an empty room and tried to force himself on me. I punched him in the mouth and ran away – successfully. He passed out, so I was safe.

A few days ago, a friend told me that she had been raped at a party. By a guy she knew. I suddenly remembered what happened to me, too. The stories were really similar.

I was not raped. But what happened was NOT consensual. It was violent. It was disrespectful. It was hurtful.

I wish they taught this in school: if it isn’t an enthusiastic yes, it is a no.