Sassy Advice – Real Love for Real People

Presence and honesty build real intimacy. So how should this reader let a guy know that she likes him?

                      “Dear Kathryn,
                  What is the best way to make sure the guy I like knows I’m
                  crazy about him, how badly I want him?”
                     Sincerely, Crazy About a Guy

Dear Crazy About a Guy,

If this guy isn’t picking up the metaphorical phone call of your genitals and heart, you can try telling him how you feel. There are many options for wording, including the following:

• I want you.
• You can’t tell because of how stealthy my reproductive organs are, but I am highly aroused by your very presence.
• Have you noticed that I have breasts? Here they are. Also, I like you.
• (if you are going to see him at a social event such as a party in which hooking up would be possible) I hope you took your boner supplements.
• Etc.

Stealth Arousal vs. Obvious Organs

While women can enjoy stealth arousal in fully public places without anyone knowing it, male arousal is an extremely obvious and public thing. For men, arousal and attraction are not highly subtle. This is a function of their anatomy.

If you had organs of such obviousness, you would likely approach your sexuality differently. For example: Imagine if, whenever you saw a sexy person, your body responded by hoisting a giant sign above your head saying “I am aroused at the moment!” There would be no confusion, no need for scheming, no lost language of lust, no sexual ships passing in the night, etc.

Life is big, sticky, messy and full of feeling. Even when we wish it wasn’t.

It’s easy for us ladies to pretend that we aren’t Thinking About Doing It. It’s easy the same way it’s easy for us to pretend we aren’t angry, or deny that we’re sad. To disavow all of those things that we think others might find unpleasant, presenting ourselves instead as Nice, as Good Girls, as Easy to Get Along With. It’s easy for us to hide our true experience away. As in your case, doing so may protect you from the reality of your situation, with all of its messiness and fears and turbulence.

At the same time, doing so divides you from the reality of your situation, with all of its wonder and beauty and perfection. It divides you from authentic experience, and especially, from shared experience. Yes, it’s terrifying to be exactly what you are and to let your self show, whatever you’re feeling, even the stuff you think is ugly; because it puts who you are in danger. But unless you do so, you will always be alone. How wonderful to share what you really feel, who you really are, and to be truly seen and known by another!

If you want this guy to know you like him, then don’t hide that you like him. When you see him, let your affection show in how you look at him. Don’t pretend that you didn’t dress nicely for him to see, if you did. You may feel embarrassed, and that’s ok: you don’t have to hide that, either.

Ultimately, a good guy, who likes you as much as you deserve to be liked, will weather those storms of your spirit that you deem the worst. He won’t just put up with it either – the moments in which you share your truest self will be the moments he treasures most. For the person who really sees you, these things will be beautiful. You won’t know if this guy can do that if you don’t let him see who you are.

But remember, Crazy About a Guy, the easiest way isn’t always the best way. Many Expert Women believe that this direct approach to approaching a man is simply too direct. There is a multi-billion dollar industry in the form of novels, movies and magazines devoted to the idea that men must be somehow tricked into liking us through complex subterfuge and elaborate deceptions. Tell a guy you like him?! But then he’ll know! And if he is a shallow guy who doesn’t really want a relationship, he’ll be unlikely to reciprocate your feelings, and won’t want to date you! Surely it’s better to pretend that you, too, don’t want a relationship (even if you do) and then date casually, locked in a stale, grey limbo of never admitting what you really feel!

Right?

Let’s explore this conundrum in detail.

The Direct Approach to Human Courting and Copulation

Most humans enjoy thinking about sex. The Direct Approach of telling a man plainly that you wish to engage in carnal activities with him has the benefit of having a guy think about sex and you at the same time. If he hasn’t considered the possibility of having sex with you already, he will definitely do so now!

If this man is not attracted to you after all, the Direct Approach has the benefit of extreme honesty. In my experience, most men will respond to that with equal honesty, and plainly say that they are not attracted to you, or are not interested in a relationship. Is this awkward? Yes. It can be. But it’s better than weeks of planning and executing a subtle scheme in which you give hints and clues to a man, only to discover that he did not pick up on any of them, and is totally oblivious to your advances, while in the meantime you have become emotionally invested in the relationship that you and he do not yet have, because of all the thought that you’ve put into it. Or worse, executing said scheme and thinking that you are building intimacy with someone when they believe you’re just friends with benefits. You end up feeling hurt and degraded. It’s not romantic or fun.

Also, remember: In the world of man-parts, there is no sideways… except in rare circumstances which are either happy accidents of nature, or caused by STI’s. What I mean is, if you tell a guy that you want to have sex with him, and he is attracted to you, he will likely become immediately aroused.

Then, and only then, do you practice what some women call subtlety, but what I call Asserting Your Dominance As The Superior Gender. So let’s say that you have sent a facebook chat or text message to this Man of Your Dreams telling him that, the next time you see him, you’re going to engage in carnality so lustful that they may have to redefine lustful in the dictionary.

He will likely respond to this immediately, either enthusiastically OR, in some rare cases mentioned above, he may say that he thinks of you only as a friend blah blah blah.

Either way, do not respond for at least ten minutes.

I am of course just joking. No subterfuge, remember!?

Vulnerability is the only way to develop intimacy

If, as unlikely as this possibility is, he rebuffs your advances, you know that it simply wasn’t meant to be. It may be painful, but ultimately you’re in a better position now. Remember that you deserve to be adored and desired!

If he has responded enthusiastically, now is your chance to begin the foreplay! By the time he sees you next, he will be so eager to have sex with you that it will likely last for days.

So to summarize: whenever a heterosexual woman wants to inform an available man, who she believes to be heterosexual and with whom she has some sort of pre-established social relationship (how do you know if you have a pre-established social relationship? Take the quiz in my upcoming bestseller, Ultimate Life Success), that she is attracted to him…

She should simply inform him that she is attracted to him.