Sassy Advice – How To Marry a Movie Star

For Sara – #1 Fan.

It has come to my attention that movie stars are beautiful and wealthy. Granted, this is partly Hollywood style deception; makeup and whatnot. Ryan Gosling for example is actually a 68 year old woman of Portuguese descent.

With Makeup

Without Makeup

However, on average, these people are still fairly good looking. In addition, being in the public eye causes them to say stupid things less frequently than the average population.

Don’t believe me?

Imagine a world in which your creepy-uncle-vibe neighbor, or that group of moronic teenagers barking madly at you as you walk down the street, had microphones pointed at them all of the time, the way most movie-stars do.

It would likely lead to the immediate collapse of society, because after incredibly insightful commentary like “You are soooo hooooottttt” and “Your dog is barking. Are dogs supposed to bark?” and the many other racist, sexist, homophobic and generally IDIOTIC things that the average person hears on a regular basis was splashed as headlines across newspaper after newspaper, all of the reporters of earth would either kill themselves or become Brahma Kumaris and give up speech for the rest of their lives.

In the journalistic void that would follow, the chaos of people discovering that their fellow humans are TOTAL AND COMPLETE MORONS would go unreported… and that would be a good thing.

Even once the initial riots died down, any surviving women would refuse to mate with the veritable dregs of humanity that would remain. They would all wear chastity belts and mail the key to Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I know I would.

In fact, I am thinking of doing that right now.

Anyways. You see that, by comparison, movie-stars are glowing beacons of hope for the future of humanity and humanity’s non-foot-in-mouthedness.

Now that we have established why you must endeavor to marry a movie-star, let’s look at some simple-and-easy steps to ‘getting that fish in the boat’ as they say.

Step 1: Cast the Line

Movie stars are difficult to come by. And once they are movie-stars, the chances of marrying one become infinitesimal. Movie stars are constantly surrounded by advanced robots sent from the future in a desperate attempt to reduce the human population before it’s too late. The futuristic robot-creators figure that they will distract the most desirable human men with women made almost entirely of plastic, thus preventing them from reproducing.
At least, this is my theory.
Once a person is a movie star, interacting with them becomes virtually impossible. I have personally experienced this on several occasions, when I personally was in the same vicinity as various movie-stars.
The Celebrity Effect renders normal human brains useless in this situation, giving the robots just one more advantage.
It is clear that you will not be able to marry someone who is ALREADY a movie-star. Instead, you must find numerous possible-future-movie-stars and date all of them.

Step 2: The Part With the Net, (as in the fishing net not the internet)

Once you have identified some potential movie-stars, you must use your wiles to entice them into long-term relationships. You will increase your chances of marrying one of them if you have several of these potential movie-stars all lined up and eager to marry you.
Now monitor their careers carefully. As soon as one of them gets his or her ‘big break’, it is time to ‘put a ring on it’!

Step 3: The Fish Is In The Boat

Movie-stars are almost as famous for their divorces as they are for their being in movies. Be prepared: your wedded bliss probably will not last. The financial bliss of ex-spouse payments CAN LAST. Make sure that, if a pre-nup is utilized, it leans HEAVILY in your favor. I mean, what else are you supposed to do to get money? Sell a kidney!?

I hope that this has helped you, the reader of this blog, achieve something that all of us have dreamed of.

That pic of Ryan Gosling came from: “Ryan Gosling 2 Cannes 2011 (cropped)” by Raffi Asdourian – Flickr. Licensed under CC BY 2.0 via Wikimedia Commons – http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ryan_Gosling_2_Cannes_2011_(cropped).jpg#/media/File:Ryan_Gosling_2_Cannes_2011_(cropped).jpg