I found something on the internet that made me feel some feelings.
Soooo many feelings.
It’s called lovepanky.com and it is full of bizarre advice written by either a twelve year old boy whose first language is not English, or a very highly trained non-human primate. This advice concerns the many different nuances of human relationships, and how to navigate the death-trap / stinking-fetid-quagmire that is dating.
With areas of interest such as ‘Flirting Flings’ and ‘Love Couch,’ lovepanky.com is truly a treasure trove of incorrect, useless, and ultimately dangerous information.
Let’s look at an example: ’How to Get a Girl to Have Sex With You in 10 Steps.’ (which narrowly beat out ‘How to Hug a Man in 7 Easy Steps’) Let’s look at some of the highlights!
#1 Let her see your great side. If you want to have sex with a girl, you definitely have to be good enough to get her attention. If she thinks you’re desirable and everything she wants in a great guy, half your work’s cut out for you already.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that, clearly, this could have been written just as easily by a spam-bot as it could have been by a highly trained non-human primate.
Frankly, you’re correct.
“#2 Let her know you’re interested in her. Talk to her, spend time with her, and let her catch you staring at her discreetly now and then. Make her wonder if you’re interested in her without revealing too much.
If you ask her out without making her like you first, she’ll lose the excitement of the mysterious relationship. Make her wonder what’s on your mind and you’ll make her fall in love with you without even asking her out.”
Ok, got it. Just spend lots of time with her mysteriously without asking her out and without revealing too much.
I’m trying to imagine how this would go. Ostensibly, the ‘staring at her discreetly’ thing would happen at school. But what about the spending time with her / talking to her thing? Especially without asking her on a date?
Dude: Sharon, I was wondering if… (realizes it’s a question) Damnit! Uh, actually no. No I wasn’t wondering anything.
Sharon: Are you alright?
Dude: Maybe we should just talk. (realizes that could be construed as asking her on a date) Wait! No! We shouldn’t! Because I’m mysterious!
Sharon: …Ok then.
“#3 Get out of the friend zone. Unless you’re dating her already, the friend zone is a scary place to be. Friends don’t have sex with each other and they avoid getting sexually attracted to each other. Be her friend, but don’t be just another friend who’s got no sexual interest in her. Make it clear that you find her attractive and sexy.
Tease her sexually, compliment her outfit with sexy remarks and talk dirty with her. Both of you may be friends, but let her feel the sexual tension when you’re around her.”
Wait, am I supposed to be her friend? Or not?
Also, random dirty talk is called sexual harassment.
“#4 Spend more time with her. If you want to have sex with a girl, the only time you can work your magic is by getting some alone time with her. You need to flirt sexually and make her feel comfortable to be with you. But you can’t do that when there are other friends around.
Behave normally when there are other friends with her, but the second they walk away, say something like, “whew… now I get to spend some alone time with this sexy girl…” or something else that makes it clear that you find her attractive in a more-than-just-friends kind of way.”
Oh, great! I have to spend MORE time with her without asking her out!?
Wait, wait. I see. I just have to hang around her constantly until everyone else walks away, and then follow the script!
Sharon: Ok, bye! See you tomorrow.
Dude: (pulls a piece of paper from his pocket and reads from it) Whew… now I get to spend some alone time with this sexy girl.
Sharon: Uh… what?
Dude: Or something else that makes it clear that you find her attractive in a … oh wait. Shit.
“#5 Go out with her. You don’t have to fix a date to take her out. Grab lunch together at work or help her run an errand now and then. By doing that, you’re already taking the place of her boyfriend in her mind.
But always remember to keep the sexual excitement on a high. Or she’d just look at you as a friend.”
But HOW do I keep the sexual excitement high?!
“#6 Touch her. And excite her. The touch is a very powerful way to send the right signals across without seeming desperate. Look for ways to touch her arm or clasp her hand at the opportune moment. The more you touch her delicately and sensually, the more sexually turned on she’d get.”
Dude: (extends arm towards Sharon in an attempt to touch her delicately and sensually. She turns around at the wrong moment and he accidentally grabs her boob.)
Sharon: What is WITH you lately?!
“#8 Give her a few sneak peeks. So she thinks you’re a nice guy who’s attracted to her. But that’s really not enough. You need to arouse her and force her to take little glances at your sexy side.
Look away from her and stretch casually when you have a hard on inside your jeans. Let her catch a sneak peek of your obliques and your rather low trousers when you’re changing your shirt at your place. Always look away when you’re flaunting your body to her. It gives her enough time to admire you sexually without the fear of getting caught. These moves will involuntarily make her get sexually attracted to you and desire you.”
My favorite line there is ‘force her’ to take little glances…
“#10 Arouse her the right way. If you want to know how to get a girl to have sex with you, you really need to remember that all the focus is on sexually exciting her and arousing her into making out with you. Never seem pushy, instead play it safe and slow instead of going too fast.”
Ah, the ‘right way’. Thank you for outlining that so clearly.
There is also an article called – really – How To Make A Guy Go Down On You Without A Push.
Because THAT is such a huge problem for most women.
Sharon: I just keep pushing his head down! I can’t stop myself! THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!
