With all of the ‘Nice Guy’ bashing going on lately at Jezebel, Nice Guys of OkCupid, and various other nefarious and poorly written blogs, it may seem impossible to correctly be an actual Nice Guy.
I am here to tell you that is not the case! Being a Nice Guy is Totally Possible! All you have to do is follow these Easy To Follow Steps:
1. Are you a Guy?
The first step to being a Nice Guy is to be a Guy. This is harder than it looks. Being a Guy is about more than having a penis, as explained by the eminent Dave Barry in his authoritative, seminal work on the matter, titled Dave Barry’s Guide to Guys. His thesis holds the Guy as something of a third gender, which his hilarious take on the issue of masculine identity crisis in the postfeminist era.
Ha, ha!
If you self identify as a Guy, then read on! If you are not a Guy, don’t worry. You can still be nice. Just go on and buy my book. Then give it a nice review. That’s the best way to be nice REGARDLESS of your gender.
2. Don’t Be Mean.
The first step towards being Nice is to avoid NOT being Nice. This involves more than simply NOT tripping old ladies. It isn’t as complex as authoring and publishing a U.N. Treaty and then encouraging world leaders to become signatories, though!
It is just somewhere in the middle of those two things, in terms of difficulty.
Here are some examples of Not Being Mean:
-Don’t make racist or sexist or homophobic jokes.
-Don’t be violent.
-Don’t believe that you are the nexus of humanity and anyone who is different from you must be lesser and imperfect.
-Don’t fucking rape people.
-No, seriously. Don’t rape. Not even a little bit.
Ok! That was easy, wasn’t it?!
3. Think Nice Thoughts.
If you are doing Nice Things in order to get something, then you are Not Nice. You are Manipulative. Notice the capital letter there: Manipulative. That means it’s for REALZ. In order for any of your Nice actions to be Genuinely Actually Nice, you must have Nice Thoughts behind them. Let’s look at an example:
A guy sees a girl that he thinks is highly attractive. First, he Does Not Rape Her. What a great start!
Next, he commences some Nice Thoughts, including “I hope she has a nice day, whether or not she engages in sexual contact with me.”
Finally, if appropriate to the situation, he may conduct a nice activity, based on his Nice Thoughts. His Nice Thought about her having a nice day may lead to him preventing a bus from driving away as she runs to catch it, for example.
Note: she will likely STILL not have sex with him. That is unrelated to him being a Nice Guy.
And if the guy is really horny when he sees the girl he thinks is highly attractive, he could always a do a nice guy thing like ask her out to coffee, and see if maybe she’s really horny and into him too! Truly nice guys do tend to get lucky with certain kinds of highly attractive women, in my experience.
another good tip for nice guys to know – if you’re into a girl, make it clear to the girl that you’d like to engage in sexual activity with her at some point(even if it takes a while – if a girl’s truly into you too, she’ll wait), so as not to leave her hanging and wondering what’s going on. Most girls are horny too – they want to get laid. But I’m the type that waits for the nice guys.
Another thing about why lots of hot girls go for nice guys: they have the best smiles in the world