Texting a woman shouldn’t feel like an intense activity where one itsy bitsy wrong little move could instantly make or break your relationship. At the same time, you can’t get too sloppy, as some texting habits can be a huge turn off for women. (Kathryn Says: This is true! Case in point: unsolicited dick pics!)

So, where should you start?

I recently ran across an article on Men’sFitness.com that touched on some of the most common texting mistakes made by guys today: drunk texting, trying to make last-minute and late-night plans (booty calls), using too many abbreviations, or just being plain lazy and boring.

As I read, I was nodding my head up and down. Why? Each and every one of those mistakes is a major passion killer for me too.

ThoughtCatalog.com chimed in on the topic with an article about how women love it when men text them first, are funny and creative in messages, ask them to go on dates instead of to “hang out,” and respond in a timely manner. (Kathryn Says: Hanging out means sex without foreplay. We all know it. The charade must end.)

Once again, I couldn’t agree more.

The common theme here is that women like to be treated with respect and courtesy. We enjoy talking to men that are intelligent, funny and willing to show they care enough to get to know us outside of the bedroom. We are not attracted to men who are lazy communicators and make it all too clear that they only care about getting down and dirty. (Kathryn Notes: Unless said woman is also exclusively interested in getting down and dirty.)

Your texting behavior gives us clues about your personality and helps us hash out if you have certain traits that we’re looking for in a partner. I’m not telling you this to make you stress out over texting a woman more than you already are. (Kathryn agrees! Don’t stress out! This isn’t a test — it’s an opportunity to show us a bit more about who you really are. Believe me, there are women out there who are attracted to exactly the kind of guy you are. But they won’t know that you’re exactly what they need if you keep yourself hidden.)

As I already mentioned, you shouldn’t continuously overanalyze this very regular and normal form of communication. My goal is to make it easier for you to set yourself apart from the crowd when it comes to keeping a woman interested via texting. Throughout the rest of this article, I’ll show you how.

Here are 10 of my own personal texting preferences:

1. When he acts interested. If a guy asks questions and seems genuinely interested in getting to know me, I’m usually inclined to continue the conversation. Go ahead and ask about her family and friends, hobbies, favorite sports, dream vacation spots, or the music she likes to listen to.

2. When he asks me out on a real date. Sorry, but “Netflix and Chill” is not a real date. To me, a real date simply involves a social activity in a public setting. This doesn’t mean it has to be expensive. Taking a walk in the park, going out for breakfast, playing a game of ping pong or pool, building a snow man in the winter, or rollerblading in the summer are all examples of fun and real dates that are also easy on the finances.

3. When he knows boundaries. There’s nothing worse than getting an unwanted and unexpected dirty text message. I love flirty texting, but it has a place and a time. Two days after meeting is definitely NOT the right time to start sexting me.

4. When he gives me genuine compliments. “Hey beautiful” is a generic text that you, and millions of guys, have probably already sent to 50 other women. Instead, give genuine, specific compliments about her personality and her looks. Tell her that you love her glossy hair and the way she makes you laugh.

5. When he’s funny. I love it when a guy shows his sense of humor in a text message. Playful banter is fantastic for breaking the ice and building a relationship. Don’t be afraid to throw in a joke or make a witty, sarcastic comment. Maybe even go for an emoji!

6. When he makes gentlemanly gestures. It means a lot when a guy sends me a message to make sure I got home OK, thank me after a date, or offer to help me with something. Doing this will show her you care!

7. When he lets me know I’m on his mind. Those random “thinking of you,” “good morning,” or “good night” text messages always make me feel like a star, and they’re sure to make her feel like one too!

8. When he doesn’t waste time. I respect men who don’t beat around the bush. If you’re only after sex and not a relationship, it’s best to be direct and honest about your intentions from the get-go. Then, it’s up to her to decide if she wants to accept or pass.

9. When he hints of a later surprise. Texting is a great way to build anticipation and excitement for an event, date or gift you have planned. I love when a guy sends clues or messages that keep me guessing. Try something like, “I’m taking you somewhere special tonight! Don’t even try to guess where.”

10. When he respects my independence: A needy texter is an annoying texter. I’m often busy with work, travel, friends and family. She probably is too. Don’t ask her why she’s ignoring you. Don’t spam her inbox. She’ll text back when she can. If she doesn’t, she’s not interested.

There you have it – insight into a woman’s mind straight from the source. Knowing how to interest a woman via texting isn’t always easy, I’ll admit, but it doesn’t have to be a constant source of stress. You shouldn’t be afraid to put yourself out there! By following the hints and guidelines above, you’ll be well on your way to grabbing and keeping the attention of that woman who has your eye.

(Kathryn Notes: if she literally has your eye and is not a doctor then she probably isn’t dating material. Stay safe kids!)

Claudia is the creator of Text Weapon, and the author of French Seduction Made Easy. She is passionate about modern communication and loves helping people improve their relationships through flirty texting. To read more by Claudia, visit Text Weapon . Don’t forget to signup for the FREE Texting Club trial with over 300 messages. You can also hit her up on Twitter!

We’ve all been too friendly, too flirty, or too fast with someone who cared more for us than we did for them. Whether it’s being kind out of sympathy for someone having a rough time, or starting a relationship with no intention of seeing it through, the fallout… is terrible. Here’s how to avoid the worst.

In the classic episode of The Simpsons, I Love Lisa, Lisa gives Ralph a Valentine because no one else will. She feels sorry for him and acts out of compassion, sympathy… and maybe a bit of pity.

We’ve all been there. When I was young, I tried to be friendly to a classmate who clearly didn’t have much adult attention at home, and was overweight and unkempt as a result, making him unpopular. I cannot overstate enough how terribly it ended. He developed a crush on me due to my friendliness. I didn’t return his feelings, didn’t want to hurt him… and didn’t know what to do. Being mean or rejecting him outright didn’t feel like an option, but somehow just being friendly and civil was leading him on. One day he wrote my name and his name over and over again on a piece of paper, and then showed me. I was mildly creeped out, and told my mom in a casual conversation. She freaked out and called my principal. The principal called this confused young man and I into his office for the single most awkward half hour ‘talk’ of my life.

Am I just too nice? Are men predisposed to misread signals?

I don’t think that being taciturn and rude to any man I’m not attracted to is a viable option, nor a spiritually sound and sustainable one. I think it’s much more complicated, beautiful and profound than that.

It’s a Frustrating, Wacky, Beautiful World

Gender dichotomy isn’t a universal truth. But opposite energies are a reality, recognized by our ancestors since the dawn of humanity. In our culture, where those energies are out of balance, men are often forced into emotional isolation. The Ralph’s of the world, who are different in addition to being male, in a culture that views manhood as an unfeeling and overbearing ambition deserving of admiration but not affection, are even more isolated than the average. These beautiful young men are hurting, but aren’t allowed to show their hurt… often, they don’t ever have the opportunity. In addition, we are all taught implicitly in school to ignore the needs and energy flows in our own bodies. If we fidget, an acknowledgement of our body’s state, we are usually punished. Boys in particular are taught to view their bodies as tools, separate from the basic truth of who they are, and have the toughest time in school because of their need to move.

These isolated, lonely, and confused young men are just as magical, passionate, creative, emotionally complex and ultimately POWERFUL as any major wizard. They are beings of extreme potency, practically pulsing with Yang energy. When someone is nice to them, or receptive to them, or giving to them, that person is broadcasting Yin energy, or the more ‘feminine’ energy.

And, well, opposites attract. Femininity ignites explosive ardor and masculine fervor in those with a lot of Yang. For those who are cut off from others and receive this type of energy very infrequently, it can be utterly intoxicating. For those who are cut off from their own emotional and physical wisdom, and therefore are not aware of what’s happening, not equipped to deal with this new intoxication, it can be completely overwhelming. The polarities of ‘gender’ – or in this case, of energy itself – can create a bond even if they exist for only a moment. For a young man who is yearning for that kind of bond, it can be extremely intense. But they may not be fluent in the language of their own inner worlds, because they’ve been taught not to be. The translation of the inner world to the outer one is therefore likely to be spotty at best.

Men are so incredible, and have such incredible capacity for passion. When enchanted in this way, it can feel as if they are the only ones on Earth to suffer thus, trapped in emotions so intense no one else could ever have felt them and survived unscathed. Speaking as a young woman who has felt all of those things and been rejected myself, I can tell you that you’re not alone. This kind of enchantment, the passionate exchange of energy and unstoppable attraction is certainly a pitfall of young manhood. But it’s also simply part of growing up human, and I believe that it is one of the most attractive strengths of manhood, too.

Your passion may feel unwieldy. That’s because it is so incredibly powerful. But don’t deny it. Don’t give up. Learn to understand it, to nurture it, to live in the center of the storm. It will take time. But the world needs more men who stand in their power that way. Women need men who stand in their power that way. Men who have that kind of mastery over themselves ignite in women that same kind of enchantment, blind ardor and passionate, undeniable attraction that young women ignite in young men.

 Lost in Translation

When Lisa realizes that Ralph thinks she likes him (and of course has instantly fallen in love with her as a result… fantasizing and building a whole narrative based on one small detail… which we’ve all done at some point), she asks her parents for advice about how to explain that she isn’t interested in him, without hurting his feelings. Homer gives many examples of ways women have tried to explain this to him, including “I just want to be friends, I don’t speak English, I don’t want to kill you but I will,” and of course, “I’m not gay, but I’ll learn.”

Lisa explains to Ralph that she doesn’t want romance, and he says he understands. But in the next scene he asks his father how to ‘make a girl like him’. Chief Wiggum advises that Ralph should be persistent.

This sums up a lot of what’s wrong with modern heterosexual dating: not believing each other.

Ralph is persistent. He gives Lisa tickets to Krusty’s 29th anniversary show, and Lisa takes the gift, acting out receptivity and thus sending out powerful Yin rays. This only fans his ardor into a massive blaze of passion. The thing is, she knows it’s wrong. Not because you can’t go to a show like that with someone as a friend. Not because his generosity was wrong. But because it made him think she liked him.

In my experience, men naturally want to provide things for the women they care about, making receptivity one of the most attractive characteristics in a potential mate. So accepting gifts, help and kindnesses can easily be read as romantic to a man, and makes you a more attractive partner regardless of your intentions, therefore making the guy want you more. Sure—Lisa said that she didn’t want anything romantic, and he said he understood. But I personally feel that telling a guy one time that you don’t want anything doesn’t give you a free pass to then engage in what many men would interpret as flirtatious behavior.

The thing is that, in many cases, women naturally inspire great passion in men, the depths of which we barely understand. This isn’t a bad thing—on the contrary, it’s one of the most beautiful parts of being human. But it’s a great power we hold, and we must be mindful of it.

I’m not saying most women—or even many women—lead men on purposefully. The vast majority do not. I know most who do it are completely ignorant of the effect their behavior is having; they aren’t doing it on purpose. But the harmful effects on men are massive. We have to acknowledge that, as women, we have tremendous power over men who are attracted to us. That’s not because of any fault in either gender; on the contrary, it’s because many men are so incredibly caring, so compelled to love with their whole hearts, and because women are inspiring and lovely and loveable. And vice versa, of course. The truth is any person can Choo Choo Choose themselves, with only good intentions towards friendliness and compassion, into a train wreck typed unrequitted love situation. And fast.

Avoiding the Train Wreck

How to avoid this? Painful honesty and taking full responsibility for our actions. Emotional intimacy is great. It’s fun. It’s satisfying. And it comes with a power over the other person, and therefore with a tacit responsibility. Ignoring this, or pretending that it isn’t so, will hurt the other person 10 times out of 10. There’s no easy way out of this. If you want emotional intimacy, you have to understand that it comes with an implied understanding. If you suspect that a person has real feelings for you, then you must tread carefully.

This is a human being with feelings who is extremely vulnerable, especially around you. Remember that the medium is the message: telling someone that you just want to be friends or that you’re not interested in a relationship, and then spending time with them as if you were in a relationship, is sending them the message that you want a relationship. Something like 80% of communication is non-verbal. And people often hear what they want to. You may say you’re not ready for commitment right now, and they might hear ‘but I will be ready in a month or so, and obviously I still want to date you in the meantime, otherwise why would I be flirting with you’. You can’t take responsibility for another person’s assumptions, flights of fancy, or plain insanity. But you can be aware of the sway you hold over them, and the profound effect that your actions can have.

A kiss, a snuggle, even accepting a gift from someone will be much more meaningful in their interpretation of your intentions and feelings than saying you don’t really want a relationship right now. Or are gay. Or don’t speak English.

Unless you don’t speak English. In which case, how are you reading this?!

Destiny. Mission. Purpose. Karma.

 

Many different names for that certain solid something; that thing that drives us, that feeling that pulls us. That feels so, so right when we are pointed towards it… that thing that cannot be replaced by any amount of ‘second-best’ — be that money, power, privilege, sex, possessions, travel… That thing that lights us up just thinking about it, that feels amazing, that brings us joy… that thing that, when it is absent, leaves a pain within us, a feeling that things just aren’t… right.

 

It takes tremendous courage to try and put a name to this thing.Sometimes it cannot be named; it’s more of a pull, magnetic; or a direction; or a single point of light, an idea, a navigational aide, something constant and shining, like the North Star. Maybe it’s a feeling, that incredible, peaceful joy that occurs when we’ve found it, and the aching sense of loss when we turn away from it.

 

When we are following that North Star towards our soul’s purpose, our reason for being on this Earth, going in the direction of our destiny, miracles happen. This may sound silly or smarmy or like New Age bullshit… unless you’ve experienced it yourself. Then, you know what I mean; that coincidences start piling up, serendipitous meetings, opportunities, events, big and small, help you along your way. There’s a feeling of magic. There is magic.

 

Some people would consider that just dumb luck, or even convince themselves that they deserve it, that they worked hard, and got what was coming to them. Preparation meets opportunity, amiright?

We have to earn everything in this life! Which is why babies are so well known for their vast contributions to society. I am of course just joking.

 

But here’s the thing. As Alison Armstrong points out in The Queen’s Code, if you’ve earned something, then it is a payment, not a gift. If you want to believe that people have to earn everything in this life, you will inevitably find yourself and others coming short, living large on handouts they don’t deserve, because none of us could ever possibly do enough to ‘earn’ the lives of the plants and animals who sustain us as food, or the miracle of oxygen animating and invigorating our cells, or the devotion of parents, or the miracle of life itself. We would all come up short. We would all be found undeserving.

 

And that is a very sad way to look at the world.

—  Life is a Gift.  —

 

The North Star sits right over my Heart, representing the unwavering guidance towards my soul’s purpose, navigating by the light of my heart… the things that light my heart up!

Those things — food, air, water, family, love, and life itself — they aren’t payment. They’re not our due, for getting good grades and working overtime on weekends; for sacrificing our dreams to work a 9-5, for making our mortgage payments on time and always being faithful. They’re not something that must be earned and that can therefore be taken away, if we don’t do enough, or well enough. When we get sick. When we are working on something that someone else doesn’t value (like that dream, that purpose, for example). Not one of us could possibly earn their keep on this good Earth, if the universe were keeping tabs.

 

Those things are gifts.

There are some people who view dating as a game. We all know they’re out there. You may even be one of them. And that’s fine. You do you. If that’s the kind of relationship you want, you go for it.

The thing is, dating isn’t inherently a game any more than the act of putting one foot in front of the other is; viewing dating as a competitive, adversarial pursuit that requires cunning, strategy and deception is not a function of dating itself. It’s a lifestyle choice. It’s not inevitable, not fundamental to the pursuit of courtship, it’s not even as common as you think.

It’s a choice. And it’s one that guarantees you will lose out on all the best things that romance, dating and even casual sex have to offer.

The Game

There are different versions of this game. There’s the competitive sport in which players compete with each other to see who can score the most. There’s a version of tag, in which you’re it! Then you’re it! Then this other person over here! There’s playing pretend… most of us have been played by someone who, as it turned out, was just pretending to care for us, to love us, even to like us, all in calculated effort to get from us without giving in return.

And then of course, there’s the ‘but (insert gender here) always wins! It’s time for us lowly (opposite gender) to start fighting back, protecting ourselves, and getting ours every once in a while!’ justification version, perpetuated by Pick Up Culture, Sex and the City, and Cosmopolitan magazine… the Lord of the Flies, eat or be eaten, Survivor: Dating Edition, only without the million dollar prize. It’s not just men that play, despite what you’ll hear jilted, scorned, used and heartbroken women saying. It’s not just women, either; despite the lamentations of rejected, earnest and lonely men.

When I say ‘dating as a game’, I mean that potential mates aren’t beautiful, great people, humans worthy of love and affection, worthy of honesty and vulnerability, of our best. They’re other players, to be held at emotional arms-length, outsmarted, and beaten. Viewing romance, dating, even casual sex as a game is a way of taking something that could be co-operative and uplifting, and turning it into a battlefield in which some win… and someone always loses.

It’s when guys are focused on choosing words they think will subconsciously suggest that their date give them a blowjob, when they could instead just focus on, well, connecting with her, a human woman predisposed to spontaneously engaging in acts of enthusiastic heterosexuality of her own volition! Or when women play hot and cold, trying to shift the balance of power in a relationship.

Games are where people’s feelings don’t matter, because it’s all just for fun, trivial, a diversion, all a friendly competition. Or, because players choose to play, and losing is just proof of weakness. ‘What?’ We can say, nonchalant and smug, when we’ve hurt someone who trusted us and cared for us: ‘I was playing by the rules!’

Playing to Win Means Everyone Loses

Except this isn’t fucking Yahtzee. This is real life. There is no rule book that everyone agrees on, no matter what best-selling authors with financial incentives to the contrary may have you believe… and telling readers that they will lose unless they follow this patented system for playing the game is an excellent sales tactic; framing courtship as a game with rules that everyone knows but you is a great way to scare anyone into a sale. No one wants to lose at this, of all things. Of course, it’s bullshit. But in something so personal as romance, few of us think with our heads and hearts before responding from our fears and unfulfilled needs.

When someone decides it’s OK to cheat because it’s less than a year in, or lies and manipulates, or uses and pretends, and the other is heartbroken… discrepancies like that don’t go to the scrabble dictionary or to a referee. They don’t go anywhere. They just fucking hurt people. People who wanted to love and be loved, who opened their hearts and lives and legs.

Saying that dating is a game is a way to claim that all’s fair. But it’s not. And unless you’re suffering from bone deep cognitive dissonance or have never had a broken heart, you know that’s true. There are members of all genders who say that “all men/women treat it as a game! So I’m just doing the smart thing: I’m just playing defense. If they complain about it, it’s only because they’re used to winning, or they just hate losing. I’ve lost too many times. I’m justified in playing these people.” Right. You’ve been hurt. And hurting someone else will make that better! Yes, it’s a little known fact that breaking someone else’s heart with calculated callousness will heal yours.

I am of course just joking.

In a game, the other players are the competition and you do whatever you can to outsmart, out maneuver, and generally out play them. There are rules of what’s allowed, and they do not match up with the morals of society at large: you aren’t allowed to punch someone in the face to get what you want in the real world, but that’s fine in boxing, encouraged even. Similarly, when dating is perceived as a ‘game’, it is perfectly acceptable to lie about your intentions with someone, what type of relationship you might desire with them, or what you really think of them in order to score… even though you’d never do that to a friend, to someone you actually cared about (unless you’re suffering from a mental illness or serious untreated trauma).

In a game, you score as many points as possible without letting them get any in… aka, you get as much vulnerability, sex, care and devotion, as possible, without actually showing emotion or providing emotional connection in return. You take, you use, you manipulate and you can justify it all because hey! It’s just a game, and players choose to play.
Sounds fun! You go on and enjoy it without me.

What I’ve learned is that most people aren’t playing. Most people are genuine in their desire for connection and honest in their pursuit of it. For the vast majority of people outside of Manhattan and over the age of 26, dating simply is not a game. It’s an honest endeavor, like making a garden. It involves patience, trust, investment, cultivation, and these things are assumed of all those who participate.

Which is why playing dating as a game is so hurtful, to all involved: because those who aren’t playing it expect better of you. They would have, could have, seen the best in you, and been part of bringing that best into your daily life, your every moment. They could have been part of your triumphs, your growth, you being the best person you could possibly be. They could have believed in you, cared for you, supported you, liked you. They could have loved you. They could have changed your entire fucking life in ways you can’t even imagine until it happens. Even if you’re not interested in a long term relationship right now, honest casual experiences can be very healing and positive. In order to actually find romance, vulnerability is necessary. Trust and honesty are necessary. In romance, even in good one-night-stand sex, people are honest and expect the same of their partner.

It’s a trust. If you were a big old smarmy hopeless-romantic-cheesy-cheese-factory like me, you might even say it’s a sacred trust. And playing dating as a game is breaking that.

Playing Defense

I tried to think back and remember if there were times when I played games. And there was: when I was younger, I played a game called “Please God, Let This One Actually Like Me, And Not Be Lying To Me And Manipulating Me To Get Sex”.

Here’s the rules: I would meet a guy, and start dating, and try not to sleep with him until or unless I was reasonably sure he actually wanted some version of an honest relationship with me… and not just casual sex, which I wasn’t interested in at that time, because I knew that as soon as I slept with a guy, my feelings for him would become very serious. The fastest way to a woman’s heart is through her vagina, after all. So I stood to get really hurt if I slept with a guy whose sole interest in me would then be satisfied; if it turned out he was just lying to get in my pants. It was very, very challenging for me, because I love sex. And these were guys I wanted very much to sleep with. I would say it was harder for me than for a lot of the guys.

I learned quickly that a man saying “I definitely want to be in a relationship with you! I care for you as a human person and as a woman, in a romantic manner! Let’s be boyfriend girlfriend and date exclusively!” often meant nothing. I learned that the hard way. But they weren’t hurting anyone! They were just playing the game, right? If Sex and the City taught us anything, it’s that women play games all the time! These guys were just evening the playing field.

Because Women Do It Worse, Right?

The thing is, Sex and the City didn’t happen in a vacuum. It was a rebellious response to a culture in which women felt they were the ones that consistently lost in the ‘game’ of dating; the ones getting cheated on, who had to be passive and wait for a man to approach, who had to be the gatekeepers of sex thus denying their own sexual needs, etc. The show was a way for women to take their power back by being active sexually and romantically, instead of passive. It was an escalation in this ‘game’, that feels more and more like a war; it was women dropping the ‘I can play you like a harp’ bomb right back on to the men who, they felt, had dropped that bomb on them first.

And guess what? The show ends when they’re all fucking married. Because even these women, trying so fucking hard to be independent and hold men at arms length, even this generation raised on “I need a man as much as a fish needs a bicycle” just wants to be loved. Their ‘game playing’ wasn’t a gleeful, torturous emasculation of men they viewed as peons. It was women who felt forced to play defense in an endeavor that’s become a minefield; one that is supposed to be about love.

That’s what happens when we think dating, love, relationships, sex, intimacy is a game. We play by ever more ruthless rules, as we look for the slimmest advantage over our ‘opponents’—the very people we ought to be caring for, giving of ourselves for. Dating, love, all of it, is supposed to be about making someone else’s life easier and more beautiful, and discovering something profound about ourselves in the process… not making life harder and awful and confusing and hateful.

Laying Down Arms

I kept expecting men to be adversarial, so I did what any smart woman would do: I played defense. Which involved trying to wait to sleep with guys, trying not to appear to eager or interested, trying to make sure they texted or called more often than I did. I tried asking straight direct open questions to get to the bottom of what they actually wanted from me: whether their desire was for more than just participation in my (admittedly fantastic) sexy-time. I tried not to feel, or at least, not to feel quite so goddamn vulnerable.

Until, one day, I didn’t. Until I stopped.

Until I realized that most men are actually… amazing. Most men truly want to care for a woman, want to have a real, loving relationship that is a haven and an inspiration and a safe place for both. Most of us want all of that. I realized that there are a majority of men who are brave enough to lay down these stupid weapons of Mass Dating Destruction; who are courageous enough to love openly and truly.

So I did too.

There’s an idea that the hurt comes from the game; from dating, from love even. So changing the way you play makes sense as a tactic of self preservation. But the thing is that love doesn’t hurt. Rejection, loneliness, self-doubt, and loss hurt. Love doesn’t, connection doesn’t, intimacy doesn’t. By trying to protect ourselves from those things happening again in the future, we’re actually preventing ourselves from really connecting with people.
In the midst of this battlefield, I laid down my arms. I opened my heart, and I trusted men. I let myself be vulnerable, I shared my true feelings, I was my honest to goodness weirdo self, right from the start. And the facade of the fickle dating-game-player washed quickly away; I didn’t have to stop myself from falling for the guy who was insincere; I was able to see him truly and so, I had no interest in him. It is possible to learn who we can trust and who is being deceptive. There’s nothing wrong with being honest about your fears, or taking it slow. Ultimately, this is about being honest… which involves being vulnerable.

Which is what I did.

And I found my partner. I found the man who was brave enough to be with me, as I am, as he is, in this crazy world, every day. Who is afraid to love and does it anyways, with his entire person, courageously and fully, every fucking minute, and who is so much better for it and who has helped me become better, too.

Winning at Love, Sex, and / or Dating… By Choosing Not to Play

A guy recently said to me that he would love to find a woman he could take seriously; then he could stop playing the game and actually get the prize he’s looking for, that most of us are looking for: honest-to-goodness intimacy. Real, actual love.

As long as he keeps playing the game, That. Will. Never. Happen. Because when you approach someone as an opponent, as an adversary, they cannot love you, and you can never love them. When you approach someone as an adversary, you don’t see their flaws as treasures to be kept safe from the world; you see them as advantages to be taken. You don’t hold them in their success and failure, on their good and bad days; you hold them at an emotional distance. You don’t sacrifice for their happiness. You sacrifice their happiness for yours.

Instead, open your heart. It’s scary, but it is worth it. Dating doesn’t have to be a game.

When we stop seeing it that way, it’s no longer about who loses.

It’s about finding someone you can team up with, so everyone wins.

From the heart,
Kathryn

The single most powerful tool for improving yourself, your life and the world, meditation is more than a bad ass daily practice. It’s fundamental to health and happiness. Here’s how.

Sitting still. Breathing deeply. Doing nothing. Weird mantras. Unfortunately, meditation is often portrayed as a seriously boring pastime that appeals mostly to foreigners and weirdos.

Don’t let this fool you: The truth is that meditation is the single most powerful tool that you have for becoming a better person and improving your quality of life.

What you may not realize is that…

Meditation is Incredibly Bad Ass

Jedi knights. Ninja monks. Practitioners of sexual kung-fu. (You heard me: Sexual. Kung. Fu.)
All of these extraordinarily bad ass individuals have one thing in common:

Meditation.

Meditation means you know yourself better today than you did yesterday. It means you are building the capacity to enjoy life more than you ever thought possible, that you have a presence which others can feel, a presence that others crave.

Physical Fitness For Your Spiritual Self

Your physical body is overlaid by a network of energetic pathways and nexuses that make up The Etheric Body. When you hear about chakras, acupuncture meridians, or ‘blockages’, you’re actually hearing about the Etheric Body. It’s no coincidence that everything from Chinese Medicine to Kabbalah describes this ‘other’ body with remarkable similarity; while it isn’t physical, it is real, and it’s an important part of who we are as humans, how we function, and how we access our personal power… or don’t.

Awareness of the energetic flows and forces in your body is the first step towards harnessing that energy consciously, like Neo in the matrix but probably less 90’s. That’s why I recommend you start with:

Mindfulness Meditation: Empowers You To Live Your Life Fully, On Purpose, With Awareness.

How much time do you spend on auto-pilot? Acting out the habits of your mind, not even really there? Most of us spend a lot of time like that.

Most of us end up coasting through a lot of life’s major moments (hint: that’s every moment) and major decisions, relying on a mix of instinct, habit and memory instead of being truly present. We end up lost in thought, worry, planning, daydreaming, remembering… and so, lost to the wonders around us. All the time. Every single moment. That’s what life is: moments. Most of us are missing them.

Mindfulness is the practice of paying deliberate attention instead. Sounds simple, and it is; but it’s not easy.

A great place to start with mindfulness a Body Scan. This one is literally seven minutes long. You have seven minutes right? Just follow along, and really feel what’s happening in your body. Don’t judge, don’t worry, and if you do judge or worry, don’t judge yourself or worry about it! Just allow what’s happening to happen, and try to stay aware of it, awake, and focused on this moment right now. Whatever happens is OK. If you get distracted, that’s OK; just notice it.

What this teaches you is that everything is OK. There’s a quiet, peaceful center in your being that is always OK. No matter what. Mindfulness teaches you to access that place, every day.

Mindfulness meditations include body scans like that one, sitting and simply witnessing whatever thoughts or sensations arise within you, focusing on something in particular (a candle flame, a thought or image, counting, your breath, a mantra), or can be the more challenging zen-typed ‘just sit there and become transparent to yourself’.

Building awareness is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Trust me on this. You will get better at it as time goes on, and that growing awareness will change the way you experience everything in your life. It will also open the door for more advanced types of meditation. Start a daily practice. It doesn’t have to be long. Within a few weeks or months, you’ll notice changes in yourself, your life, your entire world. Then, you’ll be ready for more advanced practice, including:

Loving-Kindness Meditation: Taking You Down The Path of The Heart

This sounds so cheesy right? The Path of the Heart? What does that even mean?

The Heart is the center of the energetic body. It is the point around which all the energy of your body orbits, your core; like the axle of the wheel. It is the point of balance. If your heart isn’t the center of your life, then you aren’t the center of your life. Period.

The heart knows what needs to happen, and following it requires surrender: allowing what’s happening to happen, trusting that it is right and what’s best for you. It’s allowing yourself to sink into the flow of life, love and beauty all around you. This kind of surrender is a vital part of true joy and peace.

When you think of where ‘you’ are located in your body, you probably think of your head. Is it possible that ‘you’ are actually located in your heart? Wouldn’t that be kind of liberating?

My first tattoo is the little North Star right over my heart. It represents trusting the guidance that my heart offers. The benefits? Living in the moment and loving life! Foodgasms included!

Following your heart may sound cheesy and cliched. It is! And it’s a cliche for a reason: your heart is where your joy lives. If you want to access it, you have to open your heart.

Are you starting to see how important, liberating, and powerful this Path of the Heart could be for you?

The heart is also the organ of cleansing of the energetic body, similar to the liver in the physical body; if the heart is functioning properly, it will clear trauma and energetic buildup from all the rest of the etheric system. If it isn’t, then stresses, hurts, grief and fears will build up, like cholesterol in the bloodstream of your soul, bog you down, and drain your energy, a little bit more every day. This manifests as physical or mental illness, and it’s a main cause of premature aging and burn out.

Loving Kindness, or Metta, meditation is a way to support the heart in healing towards its true power and purpose: to be the center of your life, so that you are the center of your life; to clean your etheric body, leaving you free, unencumbered, energetic; and to enable you to give and receive love more profound and potent than you have ever experienced before.

There are many guided Loving Kindness meditations online that I encourage you to try. If you want to try it on your own, the basics are simple:
-Quiet yourself and focus (that’s why mindfulness is the foundation!).
-Focus on a living thing or person (example: yourself!), and imagine your heart opening to them, shining a warm, gentle light on them.
-Repeat the phrases: “May you be well, may you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be free from suffering,” and really mean them.

If you try this, prepare for your life to change in ways you could not have imagined.

Energetic Meditations: Live Longer, Feel Healthier, Think Clearer, Maybe Become A Wizard

The benefits of keeping your etheric body healthy are the same as keeping your physical body healthy.

Seriously.

The basic exercise here is the microcosmic orbit. Mantak Chia, a renegade Taoist Yoga expert sharing this information with the world after literally millennia of secrecy, has several books on the subject, as well as several videos. Check these out to get the basics on this exercise.

This exercise may seem simple, but there is a lot to it. Opening the orbit takes an average of 2 years of dedicated daily practice, either doing the microcosmic orbit or a martial art that focuses on energy (like chi gong). Opening the orbit is the first step towards the seemingly mythical powers of sexual kung fu, energetic inner alchemy, and other incredibly powerful, advanced energetic meditations. Live longer, have better organ health, enjoy life more, be more vital… that’s what these meditations are designed to do, have been developed over thousands of years to do.

There are ways to open the channel more quickly: you could do microcosmic orbit throughout your day, do a martial art, do tai-chi, do chi-gong, or better yet, get a Reiki attunement, which blasts the circuit open the same way high pressure water blasts open a clogged pipe. I would recommend Gen-dai Reiki (the kind I do!) as it includes dozens of energetic practices that you can include in your daily meditation practice, all designed to clean and tone your etheric body. Gen-dai Reiki teachers will take the time to provide you with a framework for your spiritual practice, and guide you through the process over months or even years, instead of giving you an attunement over the weekend and never seeing you again.

It’s really worth it to do this and open the channel, no matter how long it takes. That’s because it opens the door for…

Advanced Energetic Meditations, including Sexual Kung Fu. I will leave the benefits to your imagination; that’s what they’re limited by.

Is this as good as it sounds?

It is better.

Tantra, ‘valley orgasm’, sharing of energy with your partner for incredible closeness, healing and vitality… these are the obvious external benefits of these advanced energetic practices.

The internal benefits though… those can’t be put into words.

If You Want To Be Better, Do Better, And Feel Better, Meditate.

The practice you choose doesn’t matter. The best practice for you is whichever practice feels right to you at this time in your life. The important thing is to do it. It may seem like a lot of work, and it is. But you are worth it.

Simply paying attention to your breath, noticing your thoughts, witnessing the sensations of your body; these things will change you. The health benefits, sexual experiences, psychic powers… those are icing on the cake.

So often in this life, we feel forlorn and small. Meditation will teach you first hand that you aren’t small and alone in a vast meaningless world. You’re bigger than you can imagine, making meaning of your own. You aren’t your thoughts, your worries, your plans… you’re that calm point of peace and joy at the center of your being, a point that is OK no matter what.

And this is all just the beginning. There is always something new to learn when it comes to meditation, because there is always this moment to experience a little bit more fully than the last. We are all beginners on this path, and the more advanced practices you discover, the more you’ll realize how much more there is to know.

It’s the journey of a lifetime, and it will transform your life. So get meditating! Do it right now!

What are your experiences with meditation? Did I miss something important? Let us know in the comments!

—

When I was 21, I proposed actual marriage to an actual human man, a guy I had been dating for a year and a half and loved enthusiastically. Two and a half years later, several months before the wedding, I left. Here’s why.

First, because we weren’t right for each other. Second, because I was young and didn’t understand that he was different than me in more than just the Pants Region. It was a powerful learning experience that caused me to re-evaluate everything I thought I knew about men. Attitudes that were frankly adversarial, which I had unknowingly internalized, melted away, and I realized that men are amazing, and relationships with them can be joyful and transformative.

Now that I know these things, I’m able to sustain a happy relationship long-term. So learn from my errors, reader! I ended an engagement so you don’t have to!

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1. Men Need To Adore Their Partner

Literally. Adore. You.

By ‘adore’, I mean that the man in your life needs (not just wants, but needs) to be your hero, provide for you, give you everything you want and more, to fill your life with joy. This is absolutely transformative and elevating for everyone involved. When you’re able to be receptive to this, you’ll discover firsthand that you deserve profound love and appreciation. And it will allow your man to be vulnerable and acknowledge that he has many worthwhile things to give… even if he’s believed otherwise.

He needs to adore you, just like you need to adore him.

If you don’t feel adored, chances are it isn’t the right relationship to commit to. Not necessarily because he ‘”just isn’t that into you.” Sometimes, we love people very much who need things we simply can’t provide, and/or who provide things that aren’t quite what we need.

Any relationship involves both parties asking if they have what the other needs and vice versa.

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2. Men Crave Our Femininity

I’m not just talking about subjective, arbitrary traits that our culture has saddled the female gender with: I’m talking about the living archetype of feminine, Yin energy. Every person has it.

But some of us hide it. I thought that femininity was weakness. I acted like ‘one of the guys’ and dressed in a masculine way and didn’t let myself be receptive and vulnerable. I never let myself admit that I needed him.

Men need to see the femininity of their partners, however that manifests in that particular person, man or woman. They need us to receive whatever gifts they are giving, to allow them to be the men they are (regardless of whether they fit society’s arbitrary definitions of ‘masculinity’), and they need us to trust them with our gentleness.

Meanwhile, with men I dated, often they would provide all sorts of stuff I wasn’t open to receiving. Often, they wanted to be strong for me… and I wouldn’t ever let my guard down enough for them to give me that beautiful gift. Being receptive and vulnerable is very challenging and scary.

And men need their partners to do it.

This is about far more than gender roles: there are some women who aren’t trying to hide part of themselves when they dress in a masculine way or hang out with the guys. That’s who they are, and in their case, that is what their femininity means to them. Vulnerability and receptivity know no gender. Yin energy knows no gender.

Still, in our culture, Yin energy is devalued, and many people are taught to hide it behind a tough Yang exterior.

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3. Men Are Incredibly Vulnerable In Love

I know, who isn’t? The thing is, our culture has this image of men as being the less-invested in romance. That’s just not true. When a man lets himself love, he grants a huge amount of power to the his beloved.

We can make or break them. Our power over the men who love us is incomprehensible.

Our support can give this man the confidence to take on the world. When we’re receptive to him as he is, when we see him as a Hero because he’s being a hero for us… he starts to see himself that way, a little bit at a time.

And a lack of support, derision, complaining, lack of acceptance… all of these have an absolutely devastating impact on men.

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4. Men Don’t Want Sex All The Time

Oh, the shame and anguish and rejection and fear and sadness and bone-crushing horniness and heart-breaking loneliness that could have been avoided if I’d known this from the start! Oh, lamentations!

Sure, I knew that I wanted sex as much as guys do. I knew it in my head, but I didn’t know it in my heart. So when men I dated didn’t want sex every day, or even every week… I thought there must be something wrong with me. I wasn’t sexy enough, I was doing something wrong, our relationship was failing.

Lots of people end up in this situation. We live in a culture that valorizes male virility: according to dubious sex experts and the wisdom of rom coms, men are ‘supposed’ to want it now, all the time, three times tomorrow, etc. Guess what? They don’t always! And that’s normal! It has nothing to do with you!

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5. Men Often Believe Their Value to a Partner Is Dependent On Their Net Worth

Obviously not all men believe this awful myth. But a lot of them do.

My dad told me that his father once said “Any man working less than 60 hours per week isn’t much of a man.” This is why he worked himself half to death: not for the money, but to be the man he believed his wife and family needed. It was a beautiful act of devotion, sacrifice and service.

Lots of men do the same; they work their asses off, they scrimp and save, they go for the harder, more stressful job because it pays better. Lots of men have a deep seated shame, a little monster inside that tells them they aren’t good enough as they are, that the people they love will never be happy with what they have to provide, and so they have to provide material things for those they love instead.

Meanwhile, lots of people see their man working through another weekend, blowing off another date, and feel terribly rejected. This ties back to love languages; and unfortunately, in this case, there’s much lost in translation.

According to Alison Armstrong, men go through different phases in their life that consist of different focuses; there’s a phase when he just works all the time, period. Whether that’s too gender essentialist to be fully accurate or not, the truth is that most men will go through phases in which they are working their asses off and don’t have much head space left for their partner.

That’s not because he doesn’t love you. It’s because he’s trying to build something, usually with the intention of sharing it with the person he loves most.

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6. Men Are Incredible.

Thanks to PUA a.k.a the Pick-up Artist community, and other bullshit convincing guys they would have no chance attracting a partner on their own, many men believe that who they are as a person isn’t enough and that they have to use gimmicks (or rely on money, as above) to attract and please a potential mate.

But men are incredible. Men are amazing. Men have so much to give.

Part of loving men is loving men. Loving, appreciating and being receptive to manhood, positive masculinity, Yang energy and the sacred masculine.

Sure, there’s jokes about how men always try and solve problems instead of just holding space… and then there’s the reality, in which men cannot bear to see their beloved suffer, and would do anything to make their problem go away. And there’s jokes about men being insensitive or only wanting sex… when in fact, men are just as human as anyone, just as vulnerable and sensitive in love.

I’m frequently overcome by the profound generosity of my man, and the non-romantic men in my life. I didn’t always realize this, as I was too busy protecting myself from the bogey-man of, well, men being bogey-man-ish. In reality, they were waiting for me to let my guard down and let them into my heart, so they could give me their presence, their kindness, their care and their love, selflessly and endlessly.

Men are incredible.

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This article originally appeared at The Good Men Project. Make sure you like my Facebook page for more awesome insights about men, masculinity, love and life, as well as hilarious videos of guinea pigs, vetted for cuteness and curated by yours truly. Often funny, always from the heart!

In Part 1, I talked about the radical idea that manhood is something to be genuinely proud of. Reclaiming the word Macho to describe a genuine, healthy masculine pride is part of creating a cultural space for men to celebrate themselves and each other in a meaningful way.

Macho means being proud of being a man. But it’s been co-opted in our popular culture to describe a boorish, hateful, arrogant manhood; a toxic masculinity. In reality, there’s a lot to love about men and manhood. Self love is the foundation of the New Macho.

The Sacred Masculine

Every man should have the opportunity to feel pride in himself, just as he is, as part of a deep and abiding self love. It can be a powerful, radical act of self love to redefine Macho to mean loving yourself as a man. To mean taking pride in whatever incarnation of manhood and masculine energy you embody, retaking the ways that masculinity can be expressed, accepted and admired in the world. Women’s groups have been saying for decades that the Goddess is in every woman; that femininity is whatever individual women are. The same can be true of men: that each is a God, each a perfect incarnation of masculinity, just as he is.

In our popular culture, men are often portrayed as incompetent fathers and husbands, as bumbling and clueless with women at best, devious, dangerous and manipulative at worst. But masculinity isn’t toxic. Men aren’t toxic. Any expression of masculinity as toxic, or portrayal of men as such, is a perversion of the Sacred Masculine archetype. The archetype of masculinity is a fundamental truth of human experience, something that every single person feels and lives within themselves.

The archetype of masculinity is timeless. But modern men have been surviving on hand-outs of which expressions of masculine energy are considered, well, masculine. Which ‘manhoods’ are allowed to lay claim to Manhood, and who is allowed to feel pride about being a man.

Masculine Energy

In our culture, we have a tradition of telling men that expressing themselves emotionally isn’t OK. Certain emotions are simply not masculine. Some of the most basic of human experiences are denied to men… especially if they want to conform to acceptable standards of manhood, the Old Macho. It’s acceptable for a man to express anger, aggression, and assertion.

Assertion and aggression are part of the sacred masculine, part of masculinity itself, and must have a healthy outlet in the lives of individual men. Otherwise, this energy will come out in uncontrollable bursts and eruptions, held tightly inside and under increasing pressure. That’s when masculine energy turns to violence. But anger can’t be the only outlet for the expression of emotion. All men feel fear, pain, sadness, grief, shame, etc… and are taught from early on that they can express those feelings only as anger. Men are taught they have to hide important parts of themselves. Anger is the only accepted male emotion, sadness must be hidden. But even anger’s expression must be curtailed, or hidden, or excused.

There are healthy ways to express the assertive energy of masculinity, that are available to men in our society… but there aren’t many. Sports often just isn’t enough, even though it’s been augmented to include not just physical exertion and competitiveness, but also loyalty, honor and identity, as in sports fans who genuinely love their teams. Video games sometimes aren’t enough, even the dark, cathartic ones like Grand Theft Auto in which the destructive, violent, dominating nature of masculinity can be expressed, and thereby exorcised.

Battle rap gets close, as it provides an arena for anger, violence, competitiveness and hate to be expressed by one performer on behalf of the community, bringing aspects of brotherhood and love into the act of healthy expression, and cleansing of anger from the hearts of everyone present, or watching on Youtube at home. What else is there for men in the modern world? The ‘thrill of the chase’ on Tinder?

There has to be more.

This healthy expression of male energy is often portrayed as pathetic. Gamer guys often feel they have to hide their habits, even though those habits may be extremely healthy for them, very life giving. Maybe even lovely and beautiful.

Beautiful Manhood, Beautiful Men

The New Macho sees that beauty, sees the efforts of men and their successes. That’s what redefining Macho is all about. Macho—pride about manhood—isn’t just about masculinity, it’s about men; individual male humans who are living this divine energy every day and doing a great job at it and ought to be really, really proud of themselves. Men who have many great things about them, positive, inspiring, incredible things, things that improve the world around them, and improve life for those they care about.

The New Macho involves clearing out the toxic definitions of men, manhood and masculinity that have hurt so many people. Feeling the wounds of toxic masculinity—and the wounds of being told that our masculinity is toxic, which it is not—is vital to healing. Feeling the hurt, the loss, the grief, the sadness; learning to express those things as they are instead of trying to express them through anger, and ultimately embracing and celebrating the men around us as full, emotional beings.

Men who are hurting, and choose to heal. Men who are afraid, and choose to keep going. Men who are about to give up… and see their brothers hanging on, and are inspired to do the same. Men who are an inspiration to everyone around them, who are providing their positive, healthy, life-giving presence to the world, and who are improving the world by doing so. Men whose lives are based in love of themselves, and whose actions resonate with love for the world.

The strongest, most healthily masculine men aren’t the outwardly-tough ones, or the hateful ones, or the dangerous ones. They’re the tender ones, the gentle ones, the confident and playful and goofy ones. Developing those qualities requires meeting masculine energy within yourself and expressing it in a healthy way, which is a profound act of self love.

Being proud of yourself isn’t possible unless you love yourself. Pride is based on love. Our society is finally lumbering towards accepting individual men, just as they are. But it has to happen on an individual basis, within individual men. That’s why making a space for men to celebrate themselves, express pride about themselves, is so important; why Macho need not be a dirty word anymore, doesn’t need to be associated with hate or fear or anger, and should be what it is: a description of pride. Pride is based on love.

When it comes to men, there is a lot to love.

Previously published at The Good Men Project

Manhood is Men. However and Whoever they are.

What does Macho mean?

It means pride in manhood. It means being happy about being a man. It can mean confidence, power, a dynamic energy that is unapologetically masculine.

In our society, Macho is hotly contested territory. The types of men—the stereotypes of men—that can express pride in themselves as men are limited and caricatured, and have been for a long time.

We all recognize these current incarnations of Macho, often presented as the only options for ‘successful’ expressions of masculinity. From the Gym Bro Guy, who drinks exclusively protein and pumps iron to perfect his Adonis-like physique, to the Super Successful Professional Guy with cold eyes and a colder solid gold watch, these expressions of male power aren’t exactly flexible or inclusive. Many guys, many men, simply don’t see themselves in the stereotypes of Macho, and therefore feel that they don’t have access to this basic human right: pride in yourself, for exactly who and what you are. A feeling that you are powerful, lovely, worthy and admirable.

The negative, boys-will-be-boys portrayals of macho are even more rampant. The juvenile, callous frat-boy, the woman-hating man, even the incompetent father more committed to his sports team and its fraternity of fans than to his family… these are the expressions of masculinity that today’s men have been meted out by popular culture.

They’re not enough. And they’re not good enough. Men deserve better.

Men are implicitly taught that they cannot be proud of or celebrate their masculinity unless they express it in one of these preapproved—and often unattainable—ways. But men aren’t a stereotype, and shouldn’t have to limit their self-expression to one of a handful of ‘societally approved’ masculinities.

There is an incredible movement happening today. Men are reclaiming their masculinity, and part of that is retaking the word Macho. The Good Men Project is at the forefront of this important work, as are broader social movements like embracing the Dad-Bod. More attention is focused on celebrating fatherhood as a valid expression of masculinity, and exploring the Sacred Masculine. The fact that maleness is represented in a negative way so often shows how urgent this work, this reclaiming, is.

Masculine energy is incredible, powerful, potent, admirable. I see so many men unable to express that in healthy ways. In ancient, esoteric teaching, masculine is the advancer, the stolid, the focus on the goal, the achievement, the action of humanity, of every human’s expression. When masculine energy is expressed in a generative, healthy way… well, we all know what it looks like. It’s heroics, heroism.

Heroes.

Even if a man doesn’t have a hero he admires and aches to be like now, he probably did when he was younger. The archetype of the Hero is one of the purest, most impressive incarnations of Sacred Masculinity. There is a Hero for everyone; each with different strengths, different weaknesses, different lessons learned and problems overcome, different soul-level, archetypal struggles and victories. Heroes are the original Macho.

Reclaiming Macho, to me, as an outsider, as a woman who loves and adores and admires men and masculinity, means acknowledging the hero in each man. It means seeing each man, seeing yourself, as a hero.

We all have to accept and embrace the masculine in ourselves and in the men we love, to overcome the trauma associated with toxic views of men and masculinity. This is a culture-wide work, because the portrayals of masculinity as toxic are culture wide.

When healthy channels of masculine expression aren’t available, this energy is thwarted, hurt, twisted. Violence, lethargy, shame, and even self-hatred result. That’s the legacy of the old Macho.

The new Macho, the prideful, loving acceptance and celebration of Masculinity and Men, is different. The efforts of so many men are making the new Macho about real strength, courage, kindness. These efforts are helping popular culture finally catch up to the experiences of real men in the world. Men can be proud of the beautiful masculine traits they have, and by celebrating those traits, become real heroes.

Let’s be honest. When we look for a mate, we look for someone hot. Sexy. Irresistible. If you’re having trouble finding a woman with whom to experience romance, you’ve maybe felt pressure to ‘lower your standards,’ ‘just fake it,’ or otherwise try going after women you aren’t really attracted to. It’s logical right? Terrible, soul crushing, ball destroying… but logical.

I’m here to say: No! No, dangit! Don’t do it! That wouldn’t be fair to you, or to any women you ended up with.

There is another way. A way to find a woman you can’t get enough of and experience a real connection.

Attack of the Super Babe

We’ve all been brainwashed from infancy to believe that there is one certain type of body that is attractive, that deserves our love and care—the Super Babe. An incredibly muscly, tall man with square jaw, ‘Super Babe Guy’, and his counterpart, the somehow nubile despite having enough Boob capacity to feed a small village, fit and muscular but skinny and somehow soft and round but firm, ‘Super Babe Girl’. This conditioning teaches us that we probably aren’t attractive ourselves, at least not that attractive. It also teaches us that most of the people around us aren’t viable mates. A deeper, darker interpretation of this message is that the people we don’t find attractive are somehow flawed and don’t deserve love at all. Certainly not a great sex life.

Maybe we don’t, either.

Men in particular have been bombarded their entire lives with images of (often artificial, surgically enhanced, physically impossible) female bodies. These images aren’t just shown, passively presented… they’re part of an incredibly sophisticated system of advertising that is aimed at molding the subconscious—where desires like attraction arise.

We’re all trained to associate this ‘super babe’ body with sexuality, with arousal, and thus, with attraction. But this ‘super babe’ body almost never occurs in real life. Even the women who pose in playboy don’t actually look the way they do in the pictures, in person.

The Sexiest Person Alive

The thing is, certain qualities of the ‘super babe’ may actually go contrary to our natural, individual inclinations. Training us to desire things that we don’t actually desire, overrunning our natural, healthful attractions, is a form of epistemological violence. Like any violence, it comes with feelings of invasion, shame, guilt, hurt.

If thinking about the type of super sexy lady that you are most attracted to—and your chances of ever finding love with that type of woman—causes you to feel ashamed, less than, or just plain sad… guess what? You’ve been conditioned to thinking that is what you’re attracted to. It isn’t the full picture.

It happened to me, too! When I was younger I thought I was only attracted to the muscly guys. I felt there must be something wrong with me when, again and again, my attraction for these men fizzled out to nothing after only a few months. As it turns out, attraction is about energy. There’s just energy that every person has, that is either attractive to us or not.

That energy manifests in the physical in different ways for different people. The same sexy man energy that I find irresistible could manifest in a muscly guy… or in a completely different type of person.

What is Attraction, Really?

‘Type’ isn’t what attraction really is. Attraction is really about energy, a magnetic force between two strange, imperfect humans who may see a glimpse of perfection in our crazy universe if they are lucky enough to see themselves through each others’ eyes. Attraction is not something that happens in the mind.

That’s called thinking.

Attraction happens in the fingers, which almost hurt from wanting, needing to touch; in the eyes and mouth which soften and smile; in the hips, in the heart, in the stomach, and deep in the bones. And of course in the ‘sexy places’; the ‘man parts’ or ‘lady regions’. Attraction is as unique to you as… you are.

There are definitely men who are naturally attracted to women who resemble our culture’s ‘super babe’. Of course there are! But there are many more who just aren’t. There is nothing objectively beautiful about big boobs, skinny waist, flat stomach, tight ass, whatever. Some Questionable Theorists will Questionably Theorize that Evolutionary Psychology, therefore Big Boobs are Beautiful or some such ridiculous appeal to Rational Thought and Scientific Inquiry. Last time I checked, I didn’t feel arousal in my frontal cortex; even really smart guys get me square in the panty-region. I mean, hello! Arthur C Clark wrote a whole book about how scientism which ignores the subjective personal and the esoteric will be the destruction of us all! The destruction of us all!!! Like decades ago! Get with the times people!

Ahem.

I think you can tell from my ironic use of capitalization… and by my short rant… what I really think about these Worthwhile Theories. The truth is that different cultures find different things beautiful at different times, and for the most part, it’s just individuals who like different individual things. It’s energy, which interacts and produces attraction on an individual basis.

And that’s beautiful.

Finding Women Who are Attractive to You

If you feel there’s a dearth of beautiful women in your life, perhaps you’re not really looking. Maybe your conditioning is. You may be pursuing an ideal (ideas happen in the mind!) that doesn’t reflect the type of woman you want, you need, you’re made for; the type of woman who will compel your soul and spirit and heart And Underpants Region and thus help you feel whole, simply by the fact of her existence. There is a dearth of women who look like supermodels. Very few women actually look like that. Even supermodels don’t look like that in real life. You may be consciously looking for a type of person that doesn’t exist, all the while suppressing real, soul level, subconscious attraction for just the people that could satisfy your spirit.

How do you find a woman who can touch your heart and who you want to touch your Man Parts? If you’ve been conditioned to desire the unattainable, to override your natural attraction, how do you reconnect with what is really attractive to you? How do you let yourself be attracted to a person, and not a list of characteristics?

Celebrate the Women Around You

There is something beautiful, lovely and worthwhile about every single person. If you’re looking for a woman to love and can’t find one, a great place to start is to simply try to find things to admire, adore, and compliment in the women around you. You’ll be surprised at the beauties, sweethearts and comediennes hiding all around you! If you don’t find any of them attractive, that’s OK. You’re allowed to be attracted to whomever and whatever you want! Don’t lose hope. Just keep looking.

Try not to discount a woman by appearance alone. I’m not saying to ignore your instincts or to ‘lower your standards’, not at all. There is a lot more to attraction than the way someone looks on paper.

And there are a multitude of beautiful human women all around you, many of whom will have some certain something that, if you let your real true self look, you will see as attractive and irresistible. Among those, there are likely to be some truly lovely people, and you may find someone special that you connect with in a profound and meaningful way.

Be Kind With Yourself

We all have an internal judge who decides which of our thoughts and feelings are acceptable, and which to suppress, ignore… or even lambast ourselves about.

A big part of this process is to be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to notice whenever this judge says something mean about you, your thoughts, your feelings, and especially your desires. Simply notice. See if you can notice when new feelings arise within you—don’t judge them as good or bad, just notice them. And if you do judge them as good or bad, that’s OK, try and notice that judgement too.

Only through self-awareness will you truly discover the depths and breadths of your desires and attractions. Meditation, especially a daily mindfulness practice, will give you valuable tools for developing meaningful self-awareness. This is a process, it will take time and practice.

Part of self-awareness, especially when it comes to romance, is discovering and eventually integrating the shadow. The shadow is the part of you that you’ve suppressed or repressed or hidden from the world and yourself. Bringing light to it will feel scary, and may bring up feelings of shame, humiliation, fear, even self-loathing. Notice those emotions, and remember that they aren’t you. Give yourself the benefit of your own love and care, and accept yourself as fully as you are able.

Only when you are able to provide that for yourself will you be able to provide it for a special, sexy, awesome lady. Now get out there and find her!

Get it?! SPACE?!?! Hilarious AND relevant.

“I just need you to hold space for me.”

This phrase may strike fear into even the most stoic male heart.

“You can’t hold space!” you may cry. “It’s space!”

But if you want to be with an emotionally intelligent, spiritually inclined, mindful, New Agey typed woman, chances are you’ll be hearing this type of phrase. It’s becoming more and more mainstream, and whether or not you like New Age stuff, this phrase describes an active state of being that is extremely powerful.

It may seem like an absurd, haphazard combination of words that doesn’t actually describe anything. It’s actually describing one of the mysteries of life, something that cannot be described. It’s speaking about a more complex—and complete—understanding of human experience. When a woman says something like this to you, she’s inviting you to live in the moment in a full, focused, joyful way, with her. She’s asking for your help, your support. She’s asking you to pay full attention to her, witnessing her experience, without judging her experience as good or bad.

When a woman says this, she is actually asking you to be present, and to pay attention to her, fully. This is incredibly important and I can’t stress it enough. If you want to know more, check out my upcoming book, which has a whole chapter about how powerful it is to be truly present with the women you care about. As Jordan Grey says, another way to say ‘presence’ is ‘paying attention’.

To do this for another person, you have to first do it for yourself. They say our bodies are 80% water – but we’re really 99% space! So breathe deeply, opening up your body further.

Hold space within yourself first, which means allowing yourself to simply be. Whatever arises, don’t judge it as good or bad. Witness is, allow it, accept it.

Holding space for another is to hold space for them, within yourself. This isn’t just foo-foo energy talk: it’s building a connection with this other person, based in part on subconscious physical cues. It’s holding the person you’re with in your awareness, just as he or she is; to witness their emotions with empathy, whatever they are.

Anyone can hold space for anyone else, in basically the same way. However, I feel that there’s an added dimension available when a man does this for a woman; namely, he is able to be present in his masculine power, and thus allow her to relax into a more feminine state. My experience is that holding masculine for myself can be very exhausting, and being with a man who is willing to step into the masculine fully so that I can ‘drop my guard’ is a huge relief.

Holding space is a way to make your masculine power available for the women around you, for the good of all. We need your presence, your masculinity, and your power. When women realize that this is what you’re doing (and yes, you’re allowed to tell them!) they will relax. Unwind, release tension, melt. They might cry, they might simply smile, they might snuggle up. However they express it, what they will really do is show you a part of themselves that few people ever get to see. It’s beautiful, and it feels great for both of you.

Here’s a primer on how you can integrate Holding Space into your daily life, to improve your relationships with women, other men, and with yourself.

Pay Attention To Your Experience

You don’t have to be a yogic master to experience the benefits of mindfulness in your life—and your relationships with women. You don’t even have to meditate!*
All you have to do is be aware of what is actually happening right now, within you and all around you, while trying not to judge it as good or bad.

That’s it.

It’s the simplest thing in the world. And the hardest.

Being mindful of the people around your means witnessing their experiences, their emotions, their words… without becoming reactive. Mindfulness is an inner space of stillness, of being, which manifests outwardly as focused attention.

Pay Special Attention To The Women Around You

You have an incredible power when it comes to women. The power to hold masculine space, so that they can relax into their feminine selves. A very simplistic description of the sacred masculine is that of a container. The feminine is the fluid within, able to flow because she doesn’t have to contain herself. If you’re craving feminine presence—softness, receptivity, playfulness, authentic adorable womaniness of an indescribable quality—holding space for the women around you is how to get it. This doesn’t just benefit you: it is a huge relief to be able to just BE feminine. It’s a huge relief for anyone of either gender to know that they are being truly seen, and that they are not judged. Holding space makes life easier for the people around you.

This can be especially powerful when the woman you’re with is feeling sensitive, upset, hurting, or needs your emotional support and listening. The next time you’re in a fight and don’t know how to move forward, or find yourself getting frustrated, feeling that you aren’t helping, it’s time to take a deep breath, and Hold Space for this woman.
Turn your focus towards her fully. Really notice this woman, the details of her appearance, her posture, and how she has chosen to present herself; what she is doing, how she’s doing it, the things she’s saying and the things she is leaving unsaid; anything and everything. If a reaction starts to arise in you, accept it within yourself, and try to provide a non-reaction externally. You don’t have to give any compliments in order to hold space. You don’t have to provide advice to be providing your masculine presence.

You don’t have to say anything at all.

Body Language

This is really about holding space within yourself. Be aware of how you feel, place the nexus of yourself, your consciousness, fully in your body. This has the effect of holding space for the other person, within yourself. Doing that creates a connection between you, an exchange of energy, with subconscious cues. Just like yawns are contagious, if you tense up in response to another person’s emotional charge (to protect yourself from it, which is understandable and we all do it!) the other person will do the exact same thing: tense up.

But if you realize that you are tensing up, and instead breathe deeply and release the tension, perhaps by being aware and breathing into it, you are giving that gift of relaxation and space to the other person.

It’s therefore important to use your body to show that you are really there, really present. If you’re not sure how to do that, try turning your body towards her, squaring your shoulders so that she lines up with the middle of your chest, and turning your head to face her fully. Watch her eyes. This may seem obvious or insignificant, but it is profoundly meaningful, and often we change our body language without realizing it, accidentally sending cues to our partner that we don’t want to send. Being aware of your body language is powerful. Practice being aware and trying to open.

Holding Space Means Support in Healing

Everyone has trauma.

The only way through trauma is to feel it. If a person doesn’t feel their pain, their anger, their fear—if they instead repress it—it grows and festers, like a sliver that doesn’t get pulled out. But feelings like pain, anger and fear are, well, painful! And scary! And upsetting! Feeling them isn’t fun. It takes a great amount of courage and strength to do so.

Holding Space means lending your courage, your strength. It means creating a safe environment for someone you care for to exorcise the hurt within them. Allowing that person to cry, to scream, to shudder; witnessing their authentic experience and reacting with love and acceptance to the extent that you are able, is a powerful way of supporting them in this most important spiritual and emotional work.

Don’t worry—it isn’t always going to tears and screaming! In fact, the more you practice holding space, the more you integrate it into your daily life, the more relaxation and fun and silliness will follow you, from everyone around you. As you learn to do this with women, the results will be especially profound and lovely.

When a man is holding space for me, I light up. I let down my guard. I feel more energetic, more free, less worried.

When a man turns the power of his attention to a woman, and holds space in this way, magic happens. When you truly see her, hear her, know her, you can become aware of her beauty and power. Because of your awareness, she’s able to relax into the moment, be more feminine, be more herself.

Love is a verb, like eat, or sleep. You don’t just do it once. Being present with a woman is itself an act of profound love. So practice it, and watch as magic happens around you!

*If you want to try meditating, I recommend starting with a body scan. It’s a simple, task focused meditation that’s relaxing and really illuminates what it means to pay attention to your experience. Here’s a really quick one I made just for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPZEE6_Ghus