7 steps to clear shame, acknowledge your power, and be truly present with the women you care about.
I know it hasn’t yet. I know it feels like it’s happened for everyone else, even the known weirdos and self-professed sexist perverts. They’re all getting more ass than a hay bale at a donkey farm. And you…
You’re a virgin. Or maybe you’re going through a dry spell so vast and limitless that it makes the Saraha look like a sandbox, and it feels like you’re a virgin all over again.
I know you’re frustrated, and I can’t imagine just how frustrating this is for you. People say it’s easier for women, and in my experience, that’s true. I’ve known guys just as attractive as me who remained virgins into their twenties. Awesome, smart, funny guys, with female friends and a reputation for being amazing. Great, eligible, sexy guys staying virgins into adulthood is a growing trend, a new normal.
You aren’t alone. You’re also not weird, hopeless or unattractive.
Where do you go from here? You want to have sex, but you don’t want to scare women away by coming on too strong. You probably don’t feel very confident with women because you don’t have much experience. You may not fit the model of ‘ideal’ male beauty, and you certainly don’t want to have to sacrifice your integrity just to get a girl to notice you.
How can you get women’s attention without using sleazy and manipulative PUA tactics? How can you maintain your integrity, develop confidence, and get the sweet, sweet loving you so desire?
- Give Yourself Some Credit
You’ve probably done lots of awesome things in your life. Maybe you were focused on your job, friends, sport, spiritual growth, or other truly meaningful endeavors. Maybe those things took all of your attention, and provided you with lots of satisfaction. One of the most wonderful things about men is their ability to Take Care of Business: to focus on what needs to get done to the exclusion of everything else, including sex.
Everyone has their own life path. Yours has included many challenges and triumphs. It has made you the great guy you are today. It doesn’t matter that your life hasn’t included sex yet; you have lots to be proud of that has nothing to do with getting laid! A guy can get a new job, get super focused, and next thing you know two years have gone by without sex, and not for want of desire. Give yourself credit for all of your great accomplishments, and remember that sex is a magical alchemy that requires certain specific circumstances, many outside of your control.
In the vast majority of cases, you not having sex has nothing to do with you, your attractiveness or your eligibility. On the contrary: in my experience, it’s the best guys who hold on to their V-Cards the longest, and go the longest without sex. So that when you do have sex, it’s going to be with a woman so incredible that the average guy couldn’t hope to hold her interest.
- Let Go Of Shame and Acknowledge Your Power
Being a virgin into adulthood—or going years without sex—is normal, especially among truly great, sweet, wonderful, sexy men who eventually make incredible boyfriends and even better sexual partners. Not having sex can feel shameful. Remember, though; a guy who goes through a promiscuous phase may feel shame about that, too. All of us can feel latent shame about our sexuality and our bodies, because our culture teaches us that sex is shameful.
But it doesn’t have to be! There is nothing shameful about your sex life, whatever it’s like.
Masculine power isn’t dependent on sex. Even very sexually active men can feel like failures, and become obsessed with their sexual performance.
Sex doesn’t have to be performative. It can be a celebration of your bodies, of a great partnership, of a beautiful moment. It can be playful and experimental. It can be serious and satisfying. You can show up to sex in your masculine power no matter your sexual history. You are a powerful man with potent sexuality that women can feel, regardless of whether you’ve had sex recently. Trust me on this.
I can tell you that when most women meet a great guy, they aren’t worried about his experience level. That’s because experience has nothing to do with great sex. Presence—showing up, being honest about your experience, being open to the experience of your partner—is what makes sex great. Your presence is powerful. Your penis is powerful. That has nothing to do with the notches on your bedpost.
- Take the Pressure Off of Sex
If you are feeling terrible about this and really want to get it out of the way, try tinder or another option for casual hookups. Ask a female friend for help in how to present yourself if you’re not confident in attracting a NSA partner.
Otherwise, you’re going to have to surrender to this process. Surrender is about trust. Let me explain.
If you’re waiting for something more meaningful, acknowledge that. Trust that it’s worthwhile. I think that waiting for a great person is an excellent reason for putting off sex, and one that many women will find very attractive as it indicates depth of spirit and emotional self awareness. Sometimes the universe takes a while to introduce that great person to us… and sometimes there are great reasons for that. Trust that this great person is out there, that you are good enough to attract them, and be patient.
When you do meet someone great, let yourself trust her. Tell her that you’re nervous, if you are. Don’t worry that you may not be great in bed the first time. No one is great their first time with a new person, no matter how many other partners they’ve had! As I’ve already explained, presence is the key here, not technique!
Right now it feels like sex is a ridiculously big deal, I understand that. But the more you allow yourself to see it as just another act, another way to express energies and emotions that you are already expressing meaningfully via other outlets, the less power it will have over you. Like everything else in your life, you will bring a level of energy and mastery and compassion to sex. Trust yourself.
- Don’t Hide
You may believe that women are only interested in massively muscled guys with a certain swooping hairstyle. Or you may think women are only interested in guys who have money, or are established in their careers, or are great with kids.
You’re wrong! The wonderful truth is that different women are interested in vastly different things, and attracted to a broad range of qualities in a man. Sure, some women like the big muscly guy. But it’s only a small percent of us. No matter who you are, you have some very awesome, attractive things about you that women will like. There are women out there who are attracted to the exact qualities that you possess.
So don’t hide! Don’t try and bulk up if you really have no interest in body building. Don’t think you have to be fashionable to get a girl, if you really couldn’t care less about what shoes you wear. The women who are attracted to skinny, quirky, unfashionable guys won’t be able to find you if you pretend to be something else.
The basic truth is that there is a woman out there who needs you. You. No one else. She needs you to have the courage to show her who you really are, to show up in her life. Again, presence is the key. Bring your authentic presence with you everywhere you go. The right women will respond.
- Let Women Know You Are a Powerful, Virile Man Who Is Interested in Sex. With Them.
It’s a confusing time to be a man. Highly sexual man beasts like Ryan Gosling are worshiped in women’s magazines. Meanwhile, sexual violence against women has never had so much attention, and many men are loathe to be assertive about their attraction, lest they be labeled sexual harassers, or scare a woman they care about. How can you reconcile your potent sexuality with the idea that male desire is wrong or frightening?
The powerful, intense immediacy of male need may seem like a foe to you now. But it’s actually part of what heterosexual women find attractive in men. You can be up front about being attracted to a woman without scaring her or being creepy. Simply stating that you like someone or that you would love to go on a date is a great way to go. You may feel embarrassed, and that’s OK: feel the fear and self consciousness, and be brave enough to tell her anyways. Women love men. Every man has the potential to be a hero. So be heroic, even in this small thing.
I’ve seen so many great guys who aren’t having sex because the women they like simply do not know that they are interested. They’re passed over for partnerships or repeatedly treated as ‘just a friend’ not because of any personal flaw, but because their women think of them as just friends. Often, that’s because these men haven’t been able to show their Sacred Masculine, their masculine power, to these women. Usually, being present and simply standing in your masculinity is enough to let a woman know that you are a Hot Blooded Man… maybe just the guy she’s looking for.
You will get shot down. I know how confusing and crushing that can be. Women have their own struggles to overcome in the quest for intimacy, and there are many women who will react poorly to your advances out of fear, or because of feelings of their own inadequacy. Try not to take it personally, and to learn from every experience. Remember that you are a great guy with a lot to offer.
- Don’t Get Angry… At Least Not With Women
This one may seem like a knee to the balls, and I can’t imagine how difficult it will be for some of you.
That’s because many of you are probably feeling a whole explosive awful mix of painful emotions about not having sex. You were taught as a boy that initiating sex is your job, and that your self-worth relies on women acquiescing to your advances. You were taught that your penis is your pride, or that you sexuality is your power. You were taught about shame and you’ve experienced loss, rejection, confusion, and more.
Those are good reasons to feel angry. Very angry.
I ask you to feel that anger for what it really is: Loss. Rejection. Confusion. Shame. These feelings are normal and healthy, and the only way to overcome them is by feeling them fully. Getting angry may be part of that; but it may also be an ‘easy out,’ because anger feels far less vulnerable than shame does. Remember that your anger, your hurt, all of those things… those are a result of this situation, not a result of the actions of specific women, or of women in general. It can make sense to blame others for our awful emotions. She shot me down, and now I’m angry. Usually, though, we’re actually angry with ourselves.
You have the opportunity to grow through this difficult experience. You can become an even more incredible man—compassionate, empathetic, loving, kind, proud, confident—because of these difficult emotions. The way to turn this pain into those strengths is to feel the pain, fully. Sit with it, doing nothing else. Breathe into the part of your body where this pain is. Don’t try to think your way out of it. Just accept that this is how you feel. Offer kindness to yourself.
You will find, after a while, that you don’t feel those feelings anymore. There is a calmness in that part of your body; you’ve come out the other side. And you’re a much better man a result.
In the meantime, you can share your feelings with trusted friends. You will probably find that they are experiencing similar things to you—no matter what their sexual history. That can include anger, of course! But I would advise you not to share your anger with women. Be conscientious of this. Men’s anger can feel very threatening to women. And few women want to have sex with a man who is angry. It’s just too scary for us.
- Have Faith
Someday a woman is going to choose you. She will want you, need you, and welcome you into her body. She will care about you and you will contribute so much to each others’ happiness.
You’re worthy of that, and so much more. Regardless of whether you’ve had sex lately.
Originally published at The Good Men Project.