I have this theory.

It’s extremely inflammatory, which I hope will garner some national media attention. It’s also very possibly TRUE, which I hope will garner some national HUMAN attention.

This is serious, guys. I’m pretty sure that Stephen Harper is a robot.

“Have a productive day at school, son. And remember to check your stock portfolio at recess.”

I started to suspect that he was a robot years and years ago when he shook his son’s hand on said son’s first day of school, in front of legions of reporters. Humans very rarely engage in such shockingly non-human interactions, especially with their offspring. Not only was this highly weird behavior, but have you noticed that they don’t even really look alike? Could that be a paid actor pretending to be Harper’s son? Because robots can’t have babies?

For a while, my concerns about the leader of Canada being a robot were put to the ‘back burner’. I continued to amass evidence, but it was more of a hobby than an outright investigation.

Now, however, I cannot ignore the plain-and-obvious truth any longer. It’s time for someone to lift the veil on this.

I believe that Stephen Harper is a robot created by the Chinese Government to look and act like an upper middle class, white male human while secretly taking over Canada.

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at:

THE FACTS:

1. Stephen Harper is trying to send all of the Alberta Tar Sands bitumen to China. He has spent much of his time in office repealing various democratically created laws and regulations – intended to do boring stuff like protect Canadian humans from extremely horrible highly cancerous pollution, keep the air mildly breathable, and what-not – in order for this process to go more smoothly.

2. Chinese companies are going to be involved in every aspect of that bitumen: from production to transportation to refining. Then, they’re going to sell it back to us, because Harper thinks that clean energy is for wimps.

3. That’s correct: China is going to be building the Enbridge Northern Gateway Pipeline. They may even be bringing their own workers to do it, because they can pay a pittance for their work. So much for the Northern Gateway actually creating any jobs.

4. China is also buying up a big chunk of the tar sands. Harper already signed a Chapter 11 style deal with them, which gives them the ability to nullify various democratically created laws and regulations they don’t like, or else they get to sue us.

5. Oh yeah, and Harper signed it without letting anyone else see it, including members of his own parliament or, I don’t know, HIS OWN COUNTRY.

6. Just look at him, for Cripe’s sake:

This is not the face of a normal, born and bred human.

It is clear that Harper is secretly working to send all of our resources over to China. And he is succeeding.

My advice is this:
Let’s just send him back! We can call costumer support and wait on hold for a long time and then arrange a pick up. We’ll be all non-chalant about it so that they don’t get suspicious.

“Factory defect!” we’ll say, so non-chalant that we are yawning. Then we could knock on his head for effect. “But we really don’t need another one. We’re thinking of going with the Apple version.”