Good day, internet.

I have always enjoyed reading advice columns. They’re fun, interesting, and sometimes helpful.
By sometimes, I mean never.

The truth is that if you are writing some newspaper person for advice you have already lost. Which is why I am now offering my services – any time of day, any day of the week! – as a sassy advice provider. That’s right! I’m not some newspaper person! I’m SOME INTERNET BOOK PERSON!

Is there any type of person more trustworthy? I think not.

Now, seeing as this is my first day ‘on the job’, I’ve decided to learn from the best – Dear Prudence.
First of all: yuck. Prudence? You seriously need to write to a newspaper person to find out about how to be a prude?

Apparently, ‘Made my own bed’, an 18 year old skank, does. Here is what she sent to Dear Prudence on Thursday, Sept. 8th, 2005:

“Dear Prudence,
I am stuck in a situation that—unfortunately—I have brought upon myself. I am 18 years old and have had sexual intercourse with three individuals. I have recently decided that I would prefer to abstain from that activity until I am married. This, however, does nothing to change the past. The area I live in and the church I attend are environments in which people are eager to condemn sex before marriage, and equally eager to share dirt on how far people have gone, how many partners they’ve had, how old they were when they lost their virginity, etc. A “friend” I’d confided in told an individual that I was dating about this, and the news seems to be slowly making its way—often in a highly exaggerated and nonfactual form—to others. So, my question is, how do I respond when people ask me about this? And when is the appropriate (or wise) time to share my past with someone I am dating?

—Made My Own Bed”

I know, readers. You are all shaking your heads sadly, or maybe banging them morosely against a nearby wall. I feel your pain! Who would name their kid “made my own bed”???

But seriously, “Prudie”, as she is sometimes affectioinately referred to, gave this young person some advice about it being no one’s business, be as vague as you can when telling new partners about your sexual past, blah blah blah. She ends her response with this direct quote that I still cannot believe actually exists:
“Prudie salutes you for your wish to become revirginized. The horse may have left the barn, but that doesn’t mean it needs to stop at every hitching post.”

Obviously, PRUDIE IS WRONG HERE.

Young person, there is no greater turn on to a prospective partner than outlining in extreme detail every under-the-table-at-a-restaurant hand job; every wish-I-had-known-how-big-it-was-before-it-would-have-been-mean-to-leave third date; every person, every place, every weird thing about their genitals. For the Brasilian girls out there – every time you masturbated on a bus full of other people because the bus-driver put on the movie Top Gun.

You know who you are.

Clearly, you are simply in the wrong community. Let your freak flag fly, young person! Don’t let Prudie fool you: there is no going back to virginhood. Your revirginization is an excercise in stupidity – and unsafe horniness levels.

To extend Prudie’s brilliant horse metaphor: don’t you want to take that beast out for a ride before you buy it? FOREVER?

I thought so.

If you’d like your problem to be given the deep, intuitive concern that Made Bed Young Person received, please send me an email at kathrynmhogan at gmail dot com… and the next sassy advice collumn could be about YOU!!!