Today’s Topic is: Sex With Self

“When Other Humans Can’t Do It For You”


Self Love is a generally great activity that is highly underrated in all but the most internet-porn related areas of society. Let’s go to a letter sent to me (actually sent to to see exactly how fracked up some people are when it comes to this topic:


“Q. I’ve been told that masturbation makes you less of a virgin. Is that true? Does my virginity mean less because I’ve done that? And now that I’ve confessed this mistake to God, what should I do to keep from masturbating?”

Wait, what?!

Wait. Wait. …  What?!

I had the dubious pleasure of reading an actual answer provided by an actual human to this young person’s question. The gist of it was that having unclean, sexy porno sex thoughts (a prerequisite to touching yourself, as all of us veteran masturbators know) makes you into an unclean hussy that no God could ever love.

Luckily, I’m here to set the record straight. Young person! Disregard what that other person said! They are a moron who puts cornstarch in their underpants just to get through the day! They are probably terrible to be around, terribly unhappy, and may resort to violence at the least provocation!

What kind of vengeful deity would invent something like the clitoris and then prohibit the fondling of it? NO KIND. That’s what. NOT ONE SINGLE KIND. Even the Judeo-Christian devil is all like:

“Aawww yeah, time for some self-stimulation and wild sexy orgy parties woo hoo!”

And that guy is supposed to be EVIL.

Young person, you need to take a whole lot of big, long-strided steps back and take a look at yourself and your life. You didn’t make a mistake by masturbating! You possibly prevented a mistake! Imagine that you hadn’t masturbated. You would have been all horny and uncontrollably lustful and might have jumped someone inappropriate, like your pastor (or whoever it is you socialize with). Talk about making you less of a virgin!

(Sex! That’s what makes you less of a virgin!)

Your body is a beautiful temple, a physical manifestation of the divine. Showing yourself love and affection by providing for your own needs is an act of reverence to all of creation. There’s a beautiful Buddhist prayer that says ‘In this meal I see the universe conspiring to support my existence’. Why should this vibrator be any different?

And another thing. While I respect your decision to maintain your status as a non-sexed-up virgin person, I would like to give you a bit of background information so that you can understand the context of your virginity.

The Context Of Your Virginity: It’s In Your Pants


Ok seriously though. The real context of your virginity is this: in patriarchal societies, fathers hold power and pass it to their sons. However, seeing as fathers are involved in only one highly sneaky part of the production of babies, a part that their baby-mama could conceivably be doing with someone else on the sly, these dudes get all paranoid and do all sorts of crazy and terrible things to try and prevent their baby-mama’s from sleeping around. Prizing virginity in women is just one of these things.

The Judeo-Muslim-Christian tradition takes things a step further, prizing virginity as an extension of PURITY. This is a justification for their Man Power, as Penis Having Men. You see, if they associate your sexy-human-sex-aspects with impurity, then a) they can blame you for anything bad they do by saying that you tempted them or corrupted them, and b) you must be inferior because God knows there’s nothing wrong with having a Penis and being all penis sexy!

Hell no!

Now, I’m not saying that penises aren’t great. They are. Goooo Penises! But seriously, young person, give your head a shake.

And then go touch yourself.