In yesterday’s column, we established how to identify ‘Real Men’. To recap, let’s look at some of the attributes of Real Men, from around the cultural treasure trove that is the internet:

(Note: if you’re looking for a fun night, I recommend doing an image search for “real men” on google with the safety off. Prepare to encounter self-taken pictures of a certain human organ that people who identify as ‘real-men’ love to take pictures of! I mean penis!)


First, we have this 1987 hit starring James Belushi about “A womanizing CIA agent” who has to do something that has something to do with aliens. I think.
Notice that he is being literally crushed by the title of ‘Real Men’, which is all manly and appears to be made out of rock. Or a rock-like font.

Real Man Traits Identified:
Womanizing
Violent Job
Gets Crushed By Rocks (maybe)

Unfortunately, Belushi’s provocative, insightful portrayal of a human male wasn’t quite convincing enough. After 1987 we see a huge decline in solidarity surrounding Real Manhood. Observe the confusion:

VS

Real Man Traits Identified:
Love Cats
Also sometimes Wear Cats
Also wear shirts proclaiming that they are real men.

VS

Real Man Traits Identified:

May or may not pray.

 

 

VS

Real Man Traits Identified:
Real Men appear to be heteronormative in one way or another
They are easily confused by complex issues like ‘respect’ and ‘women’

Last but not least…

 

Real Man Traits Identified:
Hairy
Possibly Vulcan
Often in Jail
Do not wear shirts
I’m pretty sure Spock is bleeding green blood, just saying. 

Then the internet, predictably, descended into porn.

Ok! Now that we have know what to look for in order to properly identify the elusive, controversial species known as a “Real Man,” it’s time to learn how to please Real Men…

On a molecular level! Because anything less would make the title of this column irrelevant!

First things first, ladies and interested gentlemen and non-gender-conforming folks who enjoy Real Men. When we say “on a molecular level”, we mean to include all of the subsequent levels, too: cells, organs, outward appearance, and things bigger than you are, like big trees, most vehicles, and standard sized refrigerators. Also elephants fit into this category.

Step One: Picture your molecules.
Can you see them? In your mind’s eye? Good. Now imagine them all working together to emit man-pleasing rays of sexiness and good cooking skills. That’s right. Those molecules are really emitting now!
Work on that visualization several times a day for the rest of your life.

Step Two: Now it’s time to work on your cells.
Cells are tricky. What can you change about yourself at the cellular level in order to make men happier? Try focusing on blood cells, because they’re the ones that are always moving around and floating and what-not (as far as I know). Imagine them filling up on lady-chemicals that will help you be more feminine and less threatening to the real men around you. Remember! Real Men love highly differentiated genders!

Step Three: Organs are easy.

All you have to do is think about your lady-organs in relation to a Real Man’s Manly Organs. The rest is up to you!

Step Four: Read and internalize every makeup, hair and clothing advice book or article ever written.

Or, for a quick summary, read this great piece on Jezebel.

And remember to have fun!