For literally centuries, a terrible myth has run rampant through the corridors of our mind. It has slammed the doors of righteousness along those corridors, and left a wad of gum in the water-fountain of justice.

It was NOT wearing shoes with non-marking soles.

I SAY: NO MORE.

I am referring to the myth that men are responsible for the reproduction of our species. This crazy idea, perpetuated by evolutionary psychologists (people who are neither psychologists nor experts in evolution), says this:

Men are horny.

Therefore, men will have lots of sex.

Therefore, the species will be perpetuated.

This idea is accepted by millions – billions, even – despite being glaringly, flagrantly wrong. How is it wrong, you ask?

First, men don’t have sex exclusively with WOMEN. Men are NOTORIOUS for having sex with livestock, inflatable pool toys that vaguely resemble humans, certain species of tree, etc. This is not to mention men who simply are not attracted to women, but are nonetheless, in my experience, horny as all get-go. This is not to say that women don’t have sex with various inanimate and often battery powered objects. In fact, I would say we do this even more than men do.

But will he call you in the morning?

But will he call you in the morning?

Second, even those men who want to have sex with women sometimes can’t. If you’re one of these men, please know that I have utmost faith that you will someday get all the loving you desire and deserve. Here’s a post explaining how.

Other men choose not to have sex with women, or even other members of their species. This is true even in the animal world. Exhibit A is a photo of a young male seal attempting to mate with a penguin. The linked article is definitely worth a read. Apparently, a young male seal caught a penguin, lied on top of it to subdue it, and then spent 45 minutes humping away at it trying to make The Sex, only to eventually swim away and, to quote the researchers, “ignore the bird it had just assaulted”.

Penguin, to it’s friends: “He didn’t even say hi. It was like what we shared meant nothing to him.”

I would talk about this phenomenon in the human world, but it involves dudes who have ‘loving, long term relationships’ with dolls that look like women, eschewing any and all relationships with women, and I’m pretty sure I wrote about that before.

Third, even when men do have sex with women, it’s often not the kind of sex that would get her pregnant. You know what I’m talking about.

Sure, there are some studies that show men are more attracted to women who are ovulating, and therefore could get pregnant ON THE OFF CHANCE that a) those men actually had sex with her, and b) it was the baby-making kind of sex.

Plus, we have already established that men are horny regardless of whether nearby women are ovulating.

Women, on the other hand, are most horny when they are fertile. And sure, there are many women who prefer the company of other women, and many others who have decided not to have babies, and I’m sure there are a couple here and there who are into the whole livestock / penguin thing.

However, that still leaves the majority of women ready and willing to get babies put into them (preferably by Dwayne Johnson).

The buck stops here, people. We may not have intercourse with as many farm animals as men, but we are just as horny as they are, if not more. Our horniness is focused, like a laser, unlike the buck-shot horniness of men.

It is women who are, and always have been, responsible for the perpetuation of the species.

I think we should get a prize.