Because the internet is ridiculous, today my sassy advice is needed on TWO COMPLETELY SEPARATE ISSUES.

(I know what you’re thinking, and I agree. It IS lucky that I have so much time on my hands.)

First off, we have a young woman whose big boobies and childlike good-looks make her look exactly like one of those creepy, life-sized dolls they have in Japan.

Well, ok. Her big boobies and childlike good-looks HELP her look like a doll. The real clincher, however, is that she applies make-up to look like a doll, dresses like a doll, and then takes photos of herself POSED like a doll.

This is a real thing.

Now, supposedly, she has become famous for her online beauty tutorials that teach other young female humans to become creepy-ass living doll look-a-likes.

Clearly, this is true. I mean, what young woman doesn’t want to look like some weird-ass dudes fetish? In my sexual fantasies, guys are always saying things like

“Wow, you look so inanimate. I love how your body conforms to standards of beauty only achievable because you are made of PLASTIC, baby. OOoooooooh yeah. What do you think about that?”

And then I just sit there, because in my fantasy I’m like just a doll, and it’s like, totally hot. For me.

Ahem.

My advice to you, Creepy-Ass-Doll-Girl, is this:

You are missing out on a huge market in your quest to become incredibly famous for doing very little actual work! YOU SHOULD BE AIMING YOUR VIDEOS AT CREEPS!

(note: if you are a creep, please do not take offence at the word ‘creep’. Let’s be a bit honest here: she is 15, and her hotness appeal comes from her looking like an ultra-aryan DOLL. read: INANIMATE OBJECT.)

Check this out, Creepy-Ass-Doll Girl: there is something called Realdoll. I will not post a link here because, frankly, it is highly inappropriate. Realdolls are dolls meant to look like buxom (but obviously not very intelligent or ambitious) ladies who really like Creeps. (note the capital C). You can dress your doll up, dress her down, heat her lady parts before engaging in disturbing adult behavior, etc.

This is an untapped market for you, Creepy-Ass-Doll-Girl! Just make sure that you never mention an opinion, lose your figure, or turn 18. Then the fantasy dies, and your career dies with it.

DO YOU HEAR ME?!?

Another great market that you need to tap is Cylons. But she is also sort of a woman!

Well, more in particular, you should probably try and tap the men that love Cylons market, which I guess is a bit like the Creeps, when you get right down to it.

So go forth, Creepy-Ass-Doll Girl! Commodify your youth, package your beauty and sell it to the highest bidder! If you already enjoy pretending to be someone’s plaything (note: THING), then you don’t really have anything to lose, do you?

PART TWO: WHEN MOTHERHOOD GOES WRONG

This next poor soul came to me for advice in a round-about-way; specifically, I ended up reading her helicopter-mom blog by complete chance. But it’s alright, Helicopter-Mom: sometimes people have difficulty asking for help, especially from good-looking Canadian authors. Don’t worry. I’m here to help.

The post in question includes 14 rules for dating the author’s teenaged son. That’s fine and well, though 14 does seem like A LOT.

The problem is that according to these 14 rules, I wouldn’t be allowed to date this woman’s teenaged son. And that is just wrong.

The dater in question must not have tattoos (which I have), she must not engage in sexting (dude, your son is a TEENAGED BOY. What do you think he wants to date for? THE FREE FASHION ADVICE?!), she must not engage in ‘drama’ (if you’re looking for an emotionless plaything for your son, you might want to check out Creepy-Ass-Doll Girl), and get this:

She must go to school.

School! Of all the things! What if she is super smart and graduated high school when she was 11? What if she is an artist who has already begun her career, and spends her time doing THAT instead of sitting in a classroom? WHAT IF SHE IS SIMPLY INDEPENDENTLY MINDED?!?!?!

I mean really.

Oh, and get this: she ‘must be a lady’. What does that even MEAN? She’s supposed to wear petticoats and never speak unless spoken to?

I digress.

My advice for you, Helicopter Mom, is twofold.

1. If you really want this imaginary girl to find your son, then you need to intervene, AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. There are many resources for finding young women who are as brainwashed by societal standards as you are. Use them!

In order to find this ‘perfect’ young woman, I recommend using the following Sure-Fire clues to identify her:
a) Your son won’t like her,
b) Her head will bobble up and down in an enthusiastic nodding motion whenever you talk, and
c) She may dress like a grandma.

2. If, on the other hand, you want my REAL advice…
Your son is going to date duds. We all do. The measure of a person isn’t how awesome their first couple dating partners are: it’s how much they learn about themselves from each person that enters their lives, however briefly. Note, I didn’t say that the measure of a person is how awesome their SON’S first couple dating partners are.

The earlier your son gets done with the duds, the sooner he will have the wisdom and experience to find a woman that actually suits him.

Notice that I said a woman that suits HIM. Not a woman that suits YOU.