Good evening. Thank you, thank you.

I would like to thank the various news-agency professionals who are watching this program. Also the one or two dedicated non-media citizens and members of countries with a vested interest in the outcome of the election. Thanks for tuning in.

I would thank the studio audience but I think they might be made of cardboard. Just saying.

Also, please note that I will show absolutely no respect to the mediator, interrupting him and pretending that he does not exist. Depending on my party affiliations, I may even tell him that I will cut funding for his job, and then say that making jobs is my top priority.

Now is the part when I say some nice things about the American Middle Class, which I will pretend still exists. I will definitely rely on heavy-handed patriotism while carefully side-stepping issues of American imperialism, violence at home and abroad, and the descent of the American people into serfdom which heavy-handed patriotism has fostered. Like a mama dog caring for orphaned kittens. Only way less cute.

Education, too! I almost forgot. Education. And trillions of dollars. Or maybe not trillions of dollars. Either way, whoever I am against has either lost or will lose trillions of dollars. Maybe he should try looking behind the couch. Last week I checked back there and found enough to buy groceries, it was sweet. Seriously sweet, because I had this HUUUGGEEEE craving for cream cheese and I wasn’t getting paid until the next day.

I will either use sweeping hand gestures to show that I am an in-charge kind of guy, or speak softly and ‘accidentally’ say “Um” a few times to show that I’m just like you.

Ok, enough of that. Can we be honest for a second? There’s a bunch of people out of jobs. There’s a bunch of people who are terribly unhealthy. Many cannot afford healthy food and have no knowledge of proper nutrition beyond the ‘heart-healthy’ sticker, which is handed out to products that are not actually very healthy at all. We know we want to educate people, but we have no idea what kind of world or economy or jobs we will be educating them FOR. We know that people need to feel useful, in control. To have a sense of safety. They’re losing their homes, for goodness sake.

So let’s do something new, instead of talking past each other. How about we give every willing family a piece of land and tell them to go to town with it. Plant whatever, grow whatever. They’ll learn highly useful skills and pass them to their children. Those who are out of work will have a project to devote themselves to. One that will literally feed their family. They will have access to healthy food, exercise, the outdoors. They will have a place to go, a sense of pride, a sense of identity. Collectively, they’ll curb the unleashing of terribly toxic chemicals onto our food – you don’t need 2,4-D for a bed of lettuce. You only need it for a huuuuuuge ass field of Roundup Ready soy infested with Roundup resistant weeds.

This is an idea whose time has come.