Hangovers. They are a ubiquitous cultural phenomenon that both teases and entices. But how do you get one? Easy!

Step 1. Plan on having a fun-filled evening in which you will drink more than one drink.

Unless you have told yourself that you will only have one drink or some such nonsense, the second that first drink passes your lips, you will lose the ability to decide how many more you have.

You have given that decision into the capable hands of Alcohol.

Alcohol will say something like “Woo, One more for sure, and Rock on!”
or “Why not finish the bottle? Only a few more left!”
or “Grandma totally can’t tell you’re drunk yet! Have another one!”
or (as the night goes on) “Chugging that is totally a great idea!”

Easy! Simple! And now for the fun part!

Step 2. Wait a few hours. You may spend this time sleeping. When you wake up, you will have…

A hangover!

Congratulations!

In order to fully enjoy your hangover, you may want to moan wordlessly, curse various shiftless deities (especially those associated with the terrible poison that is causing you such pain), or throw up a few times. You can try various hangover ‘cures’ like drinking electrolytes or taking advil. Good luck with that.

Step 3. More time passes. As early as the end of that day, you forget your hatred of all things alcoholic. You regain the ability to stomach water, stand up without sobbing helplessly, etc.

Now, you must forget the pain of your hangover. This is called cognitive dissonance.  Once you have rationalized your love of liquor by telling yourself that being hungover truly wasn’t that bad, congratulations again!

Go back to step 1!