Looking to Utterly Destroy Any Chance of a Happy Relationship with a man? Look No Further than These Six Rules!
Relationships are hard. For many of us, they’re a minefield of heart-break, bad boyfriends, and dashed expectations. And in our culture, there’s a growing trend of placing the blame for this squarely onto men. From impossible expectations to the assertion that men are essentially as deep as a kiddie pool, if you were an alien learning about humanity by reading articles being shared on Facebook, you’d probably be nodding your head and saying “Yeah girl, you dump his ass” along with the rest of us.
Here’s the thing.
It’s not on men.
And until we as women step into our power and empower ourselves in love, it won’t get better.
By Blaming Men, We Are Sabotaging Our Relationships With Them… And Sabotaging Ourselves In the Process
Self sabotage is a slippery customer. The basic definition is: any belief or action that consistently brings us poor results – and not the results we desire (you can find out more and access great tools here). So if you’re struggling in your relationships with men, and are ready to do the hard work of taking your power back in whatever ways you can, check out these six common ways that we sabotage ourselves when it comes to loving men.
Rule One: Believe That All Men Will Hurt You
If one man used Pick Up Artistry based manipulation to get you to have sex with him, lying about his feelings and intentions, and then dumped you afterwards, you now have solid evidence that all men are only after sex and are willing to manipulate to get it!
Holding all men responsible for the mistakes of those who have hurt us in the past is a surefire way to completely prevent real intimacy and positive relationships in the present. First, we’ll be on the lookout for the traits and actions that confirm our biases, meaning we are much more likely to end up with guys who carry out the same patterns, over and over again. Second, when a great guy comes along who’s actually got what we’re looking for, chances are we’ll reject him before he has a chance to show us just how much he has to offer. Whether that’s by not giving him a chance at all, dumping him before you really get close, or keeping your heart closed off… rejecting all men because of the actions of a few guarantees you’ll avoid exactly the kind of healing love most of us are looking for.
Rule Two: Believe That Men can’t handle deep women
Yes! It’s true! And if you don’t believe it, just check out the recent article by this title, which as of last count has been reprinted at five outlets and shared hundreds of thousands of times.
Here’s the reality: no one can ever fully handle another’s depth. But all of us can try. And while no one will do it perfectly, men are just as equipped as women to do a damn good job and truly give it their all.
Articles – and beliefs – like this one do two big things. First, they cause men to doubt themselves and feel deeply ashamed of who they are and their normal, totally acceptable flaws.
Second, it ensures women will have deeply unsatisfying relationships with men. Why? Because women who believe that men can’t handle them will act in ways that ensure those men never get the chance.
Rule Three: Believe That Men can’t handle real intimacy
We’ve all heard this one. They just want sex! Nope. Men crave real intimacy just as much as women do.
They aren’t able to be honest, and they cheat more! Actually, the genders are pretty even when it comes to honesty and faithfulness in relationships.
They’re… just… They can’t handle real intimacy because I said so!
Here’s the thing. These beliefs are about sabotaging ourselves. And that is a subtle, subtle business. Often, the things that our inner saboteur (who you can find out a lot more about, and learn to overcome, in my book Your Big Life, which provides practical ground rules for overcoming the most common types of self sabotage) says seem really reasonable. They seem smart, like just good sense! I’m holding back on my authentic self when I’m with him because it’s the smart thing to do, we’ll reason, because men can’t handle real intimacy.
What if that’s not true?
The only way to have a real, intimate, deep, satisfying relationship with a man is to invest in that realness, intimacy, depth and relationship to the same degree that you wish he would.
Rule Four: Believe that Men can’t handle basically anything
There are endless articles and beliefs like the ones above. They all boil down to the same thing:
If you go looking, you can definitely find men who can’t handle (choose one: housework, foreplay, meeting your mother, taking care of kids, keeping a secret, etc). If you are committed to believing that about men, you will find evidence to support that conclusion.
Even though it’s wrong.
In reality, men are human, just like us ladies (shocking, I know). They are fallible and flawed. And they are beautiful, and wonderful, and truly impressive. More on that in a minute.
The point is this. If you go looking for good men, who can handle you just as you are, and in fact are dying to do just that, with an open heart and an open mind, you will find them.
Because they are all around you.
Rule Five: Set Impossible Standards of Perfection, Then Blame Men For Not Meeting Them
Because, after all, you don’t need a man… you need a goddamn warrior! Who is somehow both soft and hard at once! Who will worship you but has good self esteem! Who’s super masculine but not like, patriarchal! Who’s life is perfect yet will accept all of your flaws instantly! And has a twelve inch penis and works out constantly but is body positive about women’s bodies! Otherwise you’re settling, ladies! Don’t settle, you’re a goddess!
Ladies, let’s be serious. Men are just less mature than women. They’re less evolved. Less deep. Less spiritual. Which is why you shouldn’t settle for men! They suck. You need a Super Man, someone who really gets just how evolved, deep, spiritual and ultimately superior you are; someone you can meet you!
Don’t settle for a normal human being with flaws who is on their own journey and makes mistakes and will do their best and learn and grow, just like you.
I am of course being hilarious in a jokey manner.
Most of these articles, they’re not about men.
They’re about us. Women. Ladies. They’re about our fears and our hurts. The fact that we’ve been let down in the past, and it’s broken our hearts. The fact that we are trying our best and we still get rejected, we still get left, we still get played, we still get lonely. The fact that dating is hard for us, and it sucks.
And it’s easier to blame men for those things than to step into our power by taking responsibility ourselves.
Rule Six: Believe That Men Are Mis-Behaving Women
There is a growing and disturbing trend in our culture, and in my generation especially, of thinking poorly of men. Alison Armstrong, who coined the fantastic phrase Misbehaving Women to describe this attitude towards men, put it very succinctly: how many men, that you know in real life, do you actively admire and respect?
Here’s the thing. Men are different from women. I know, that’s controversial. It’s also true. In general, men are different than women, in general, and have certain things in common, in general. That doesn’t mean one is better, or individuals must conform to those generalities. It just means that men are more likely to thrive when they can focus on one thing at a time. They’re likely to flourish in conversation when their words are received with patience, unlike us ladies, who (in general) do better in conversations that flow back and forth, with lots of overlap and cooperation between speakers. For men, that can feel frustrating and cause them to stop talking, because they’ve lost their train of thought and don’t feel listened to. (And when they go quiet, we women think ‘Great, he’s stonewalling again!’ or ‘He’s so shallow, he doesn’t have anything real to say’ or feel rejected… aka, we think he’s misbehaving.)
Neither of these ways of being (or the infinite variations along the spectrum in between these two poles) are wrong. Neither is inferior.
Yet when men act like men – by trying to provide solutions to our problems, instead of just listening to us, for example – we often demonize them. Because, if a woman acted that way, she would be misbehaving (thanks Alison Armstrong!). Us women all know the rules of engagement when dealing with other women, we know that when she says “I need to vent,” our job is to listen and empathize. But men are not women. They’re men. They’re different, and that’s OK. They don’t follow those same rules. When they provide us with a solution instead of empathizing, it doesn’t mean they’re misbehaving women. It means they are men.
Loving men involves actually loving men. For who they are. Providing the same admiration, respect and care to them that we want for ourselves (and deserve). Extending the same level of acceptance and love that we crave.
Anything else is… you guessed it. Not just bad for men, but ultimately, worse for us. It’s self sabotage.
Stop Sabotaging Yourself
There are guys out there who suck. Who play, who use, who manipulate; who are lame and turn out to be racist or are secretly married or ghost without any explanation.
But most of them aren’t like that. Nine men out of ten is dying to be good to a woman he cares about, to get genuinely close to a woman, to build something real with a woman.
When we decide that is impossible – by deciding they aren’t capable of that, by blaming one man for the actions of another, etc – we are creating a self-fulfilling prophesy. Ultimately, the first step to creating wonderful relationships with men is the most challenging, and requires the most bravery: it’s deciding to open our hearts, and trust.
From my heart,
It's Time to Live Your Big Life.
The Ground Rules you need to overcome the most common forms of self sabotage, so you can live a life you'll love... in a hilarious, sassy, easy to read format.
Drawing on the most powerful tools of coaching, the breakthrough science of Wellness and Positive Psychology, and the timeless wisdom of mindfulness, this book outlines a practical process for getting unstuck and creating a life you love, starting today.